What’s going on bhai? Bethay bithai everyone’s gone rabbit, screaming themselves horse over this India Pakistan tamasha. Indian TV anchors are going historical, screaming kay we’ll kill you just now only and we are shrieking kay just try and see, we’ll break your faces. Vaisay, I tau don’t even understand what’s happening. Apparently some suicider killed their jawans in Kashmir and they’ve replied by sending their jets into our side and dropping their bums. And they’re saying they’ve destroyed a terrorist camp and killed 300 people but we are saying don’t lie ji, you might have crept into our ear space and dropped your bums, but all you did was martyr some trees. And then we are saying kay actually we shot your plane down and took your pilot off stage and they are saying ‘Sub jhoot’. And we are putting up pictures of a hurt man and saying ‘then who’s this, haan?’ And battles are being raged on Twitter and Facebook between their side and ours, with threats flying sick and fast and them screaming ‘you shut up’ and we yelling ‘you shut up’ and anyone who says kay please calm down and war is not nice is a coward and a traitor and a fifth communist and just like that suddenly we are on the blink of nuclear war and flights shights have been grounded and Mummy’s opened her basement and had khaana peena put so that we can hide there in case the Indians drop bums on Lahore and Aunty Pussy has packed all her hairloom jewellery into her vanity case if war breaks out and there’s looting shooting and so at least she can die defending her jewellery. Have I gone mad or has everyone else gone mad? Just yesterday I was sitting at Sunny’s and planning how we’ll meet our Indian friends in London in summers and how we’ll all go to Paris together for shopping in Shaan’s Alizeh. And now this. How did we get here? At this rate, will we have any Indian friends left or will any of us even be alive in the summers…