It may be news to all the haters out there that Shahid Afridi thinks but that is because they think that thinking can only be done by the brain whereas scientists have proven that thinking is a feeling and Shahid Afridi thinks straight from his heart and his heart bleeds green. The doctors say it may be dangerous for his heart but I know it is patriotism. Maybe his sponsorship agreement from Pakola contractually obliges him to bleed green - you never know. In fact, all we know for sure is that Shahid Afridi is a Pakistani and Article 6 of the Constitution of Pakistan makes it high treason for all Pakistanis not to love Shahid Afridi.
Let me go on record to say I love Shahid Afridi, mainly because I do not want to commit high treason. Nobody will let me smoke cigars at Chak Shahzad in peace if I do that. The masses will maul me and shout something that rhymes with ‘Chak Shahzad’.
I cannot imagine the day we have to see Sarfaraz Ahmad telling women they belong in the kitchen
If Shahid Afridi comes to my house and asks for one kidney, I will give him both my kidneys. I will personally make katakat out of my kidneys and feed it to him from my hands. Haters will once again say that I cannot do that because I will die after losing both my kidneys but they are thinking from their brains and not their kidneys, despite the fact that they still have both of them, unlike me.
I cannot accept that Shahid Afridi’s cricket career will ever end. I cannot imagine the day we have to see Rana Naveed ul Hasan in a Head and Shoulders ad or a tuk tuk bubblegum or Sarfaraz Ahmad telling women that they belong in the kitchen. Just like my heart, and my two kidneys, my television belongs to Shahid Afridi.
His perfect jaw-line is all I ever want to see. It does not matter to me one bit that most of the products he endorses are slowly killing me. If Shahid Afridi says they are good for me, I have no qualms about eating shampoo for dinner.
And I am not alone. There is a legion of Boom-Boom fans all over the world - this is why ISIS exists. From Obama to Bashar Assad, they are all Boom Boom fans.
Even the chicken karahi at Clifton wants Afridi to stay in. It was the chicken’s dying wish before it became a karahi. We cannot let millions of chickens sacrifice their lives in vain and let Shahid Afridi just retire.
We are Pakistanis. We cannot let our culture be infiltrated with Western values such as retiring gracefully. Shahid Afridi will lead Pakistan to World Cup glory or someone else will die trying.
Pakistanis do not retire. You see, ‘retire’ is simply a nice way of saying you give up. We never give up. This is why Pakistan has always won every war it has ever been a part of, even when we have lost quite clearly. The facts can only hurt you if you believe in them.
Pakistanis do not retire - we simply stop doing our jobs and keep accepting the pay cheque. My family lives on the pay cheque of my grandfather, and he passed away a decade ago. He has also voted for MQM in every election since his passing.
My grandfather used to tell me how he became a fan of Shahid Afridi when he hit the winning six against the British during the colonial period to ensure no Pakistani ever had to pay too much lagaan (colonial taxes on peasants).
I cannot imagine watching cricket without Shahid Afridi. I am only 27 years old. I was not even born when Shahid Afridi debuted for Pakistan.
No Pakistani should be able to imagine cricket without Shahid Afridi. Pakistan is only 69 years old. Pakistan was not even born when Shahid Afridi debuted for Pakistan.
Even Shahid Afridi was not born when Shahid Afridi debuted for Pakistan, for Shahid Afridi is not a man, he is a feeling. He is the attempt at hitting a six when a single run would be enough to win you the match. He is the winning attitude that always keeps you positive, even when it comes to HIV.
There is a Shahid Afridi in all of us. He is the sentiment every driver feels when stuck in traffic during Iftar time, he is the emotion a bridegroom feels when his shoes are hidden, he is Karachi minibus driver, the dharna protestor, the darzee on Chand Raat, the police wala on VIP protocol duty. Shahid Afridi is Pakistan and Pakistan is Shahid Afridi.
There is no ‘I’ in cricket but there is a Shahid Afridi. The Duckworth-Lewis system in mathematics is named after all the ducks Shahid Afridi achieved in world cricket. If Sachin Tendulkar was a bigger player than Afridi it would have been named the Century Worth Lewis system.
This is why every cricketer in the world admires Shahid Afridi. Some people call him Don Bradman and some call him Sachin Tendulkar but rest assured, they are always talking about Shahid Afridi.
Wajahatullah Wasti said that Shahid Afridi could play defensive cricket like me but I could never play like him. I was not as good looking as he is. They would have definitely dropped me.
When somebody asked Jacques Kallis what the flavor of naswar is, he said, “I do not know! Ask Shahid Afridi!”
If Altaf Hussain can retire 567 times from his position and get reinstated every time, why can’t Afridi be forced to take back his retirement on the purzor ihtejaj of his karkunaan?
Shahid Afridi deserves a happy ending. We cannot simply let him go so ignominiously. He is the last ray of hope for the country.
Sure we have no infrastructure, electricity, basic healthcare or fundamental rights but every time Shahid Afridi comes to bat we know a miracle can happen and even if he invariably gets bowled out trying to hook a yorker, we know there will be a new day because Shahid Afridi still plays for Pakistan. When we see the likes of Kohli, A.B. De Villiers and Martin Guptill demolish bowling attacks with proper cricketing shots, we know we can compete with the best in the world because Shahid Afridi can compete with years of batting practice by simply hitting the ball hard enough.
As long as Shahid Afridi plays, Pakistan will remain the fastest growing economy in the world, the country with the highest returns on investment and the highest gross national happiness because if Afridi can play at the highest level of cricket for two decades then anything is possible.
Thank you for the memories, Lala. I promise not to even bill you for all the televisions I broke after you got out. All I want to say is
Goodbye my Lala,
Goodbye my friend,
You’ve been bowled for one,
You’ve been bowled at a single run again.