The other day I presided over a meeting to announce our future strategy. I turned first to one advisor, then another and asked for their opinion. Then I dressed up their opinion as mine and announced it. Shireen Mazari asked if I have to ask my advisors everything. Whereupon I asked my advisors, “do I have to ask you everything?” “Yes, Khan Sahab”, they replied.
Then I started my speech, “these are difficult times for our party with lots of embarrassing infighting etc. and some people are blaming me. They’ve even suggested that I’m off my trolley. But of course we all know who’s really to blame. It’s the spies who live in my air conditioner, who’ve been paid by Nawaz Sharif to sow the seeds of dissension within my ranks. He’s gone to extraordinary lengths to defeat me, like rigging the London mayoral elections to ensure Sadiq Khan’s victory, and my brother-in-law Zac Goldsmith’s defeat.”
Then Shireen Mazari butted in again and announced, “everyone, please ignore that. We will now have a fresh statement from our leader. Ahem. Please begin again.”
Then I said, “I do apologise. I’m terribly sorry. I really should stop blaming other people for the sad state my party’s in, and I really should stop lying about rigged elections”. Then Shireen Mazari butted in again, “I’m very sorry everyone. I thought we had our leader Khan Sahab here, but I was wrong – it’s an imposter. And anyway, all these meetings and all these jalsas – they’re just one big photo opportunity”. “Rubbish”, I said, “it’s any number of photo opportunities. Me and my fans. Me and the crowds. Me and the adoring Khanistas. Me and my hangers-on. Me, myself and I.”
That got everyone clapping and bowing and scraping, “vah vah! Bilkul! Divine logic, Your Highly Haughtiness”. I began my speech in earnest, “We’re going to promise the electorate that when we get into power, we will end load shedding, double the economy, halve food prices and make everything wonderful”. But trust Shireen Mazari to put a dampener on everything, “how can we be sure we’re not going to break these promises?” “Because we’re not going to get in, are we?”
Then I started my speech, “these are difficult times for our party with lots of embarrassing infighting etc. and some people are blaming me. They’ve even suggested that I’m off my trolley. But of course we all know who’s really to blame. It’s the spies who live in my air conditioner, who’ve been paid by Nawaz Sharif to sow the seeds of dissension within my ranks. He’s gone to extraordinary lengths to defeat me, like rigging the London mayoral elections to ensure Sadiq Khan’s victory, and my brother-in-law Zac Goldsmith’s defeat.”
Then Shireen Mazari butted in again and announced, “everyone, please ignore that. We will now have a fresh statement from our leader. Ahem. Please begin again.”
Then I said, “I do apologise. I’m terribly sorry. I really should stop blaming other people for the sad state my party’s in, and I really should stop lying about rigged elections”. Then Shireen Mazari butted in again, “I’m very sorry everyone. I thought we had our leader Khan Sahab here, but I was wrong – it’s an imposter. And anyway, all these meetings and all these jalsas – they’re just one big photo opportunity”. “Rubbish”, I said, “it’s any number of photo opportunities. Me and my fans. Me and the crowds. Me and the adoring Khanistas. Me and my hangers-on. Me, myself and I.”
That got everyone clapping and bowing and scraping, “vah vah! Bilkul! Divine logic, Your Highly Haughtiness”. I began my speech in earnest, “We’re going to promise the electorate that when we get into power, we will end load shedding, double the economy, halve food prices and make everything wonderful”. But trust Shireen Mazari to put a dampener on everything, “how can we be sure we’re not going to break these promises?” “Because we’re not going to get in, are we?”
Im the Dim