A rapid guide to becoming a great TV talk show host in Bakistan …

A rapid guide to becoming a great TV talk show host in Bakistan …
This is what you need to know:


A modern-day Babylon. Run by evil men whose bloodlines are linked to epic, evil characters such as Sodom & Gomorra and Gog & Magog. Can be a nice place to visit though, for a personal trip.

Amreeka has a very powerful Jewish lobby that constantly plots against Bakistan. This wicked lobby’s members have just one motive in their sorry lives: the destruction of Bakistan.

Amreeka is also the diabolical modern embodiment of the medieval Christian crusades against innocent (Muslim) Pakistanis; using drones instead of horses, dollars instead of swords, Mickey Mouse instead of the Pope and Marlboro Reds instead of ritual burnings. Not a bad place though, for your close relatives working (or living on welfare) there.

[quote]All political analyses should begin with the words: 'Amreeka kya chahta hai?'[/quote]

Amreeka is at the centre of whatever goes wrong in Bakistan. Everything coming from Amreeka, including financial aid, needs to be judged, denounced and rejected. That said, advertising from Amreekan banks, NGOs and multinationals on your TV channel are fine.

All political analyses should begin with the words: ‘Amreeka kya chahta hai?’ (What does America want?) – even if the analysed issue has to do with the vanishing of manhole lids in Lahore’s Anarkali area.

Bad mouthing Amreeka is a must – a prerequisite of becoming a TV news anchor and talk show host. Those who fail to do this should be suspected of being part of the modern Christian crusade against Bakistan, thus Islam, thus thus and thus.

However, it is okay to borrow some of their helicopters to help flood and earthquake victims in Sindh and Punjab. Nevertheless, you must insist that the government – usually full of Amreekan slaves – be careful. These ’copters may actually be shape-shifting Freemasons spying on the breeding cycle of the blind dolphins of River Indus. Any dolphin seen cooperating with the Amreekans should be turned into halaal sushi.

Aafia Siddiqui

Below is the objective bit with which TV anchors/hosts should begin their analysis of Aafia’s case:

A harmless, petite Bakistani woman who went to Afghanistan on a bird-watching trip where she was kidnapped by Blackwater agents for attempting to kill two birds with a rock. She was then handed over to Amreekan slaves in Bakistan who sold her to Amreeka, who sold her to the Jewish lobby who put her in a cage and sentenced her for 1,886 years in jail. Oh, the outrage, the outrage, revolution, revolution!

Now that was the objective bit. For the subjective bit however, we recommend you bite and swallow some cyanide capsules live on air.



An Urdu word for wisdom/ intelligence/ reason. Usually used by slippery secularists and atheists to soften their Godless tripe. Should be rejected outright.

The rejection of aql is really good for ratings too. Aqal is a clever ploy by secularists to turn manly Muslims into pansy vegetarians persuading women to move out of the kitchen and join offices, or worse, gyms. Only your wives can do that. In Dubai.



The true name of what we incorrectly call, Pakistan. Since all Bakistani Muslims have Arab ancestry and the Arabs cannot pronounce ‘P’, make sure you don’t either. Those who do, their tongues should be flogged by miniature whips made with the skin of male baby camels. Really fat ones.



A family name that is to be praised – but only if he or she is dead. Otherwise, to be castigated just for the heck of it.



Be sure to put Shaheed (martyr) in front of the name of this late former prime minister of Bakistan, despite fact that you were calling her a ‘sell-out’ and ‘corrupt’ only a few hours before her assassination in December 2007.



The notorious Amreekan security firm which is responsible for each and every suicide blast in Bakistan in the last five years. It might also be behind the spread of Congo and dengue fevers in the country, and the death of your neighbourhood cat.

If you are a lady TV talk show host, then you must talk about the cat on your show:

‘Tell me, Mr. Interior Minister, why has the government remained quiet about the death of the cat?’

‘It’s just a neighbourhood cat!’

‘No, you are saying this because Blackwater is now killing all our stray cats!’

‘Not really.’

‘How can you say that?’

‘Well, you’re still here.’


The more illiterate you are about the constitution the more you should talk about it. Makes you sound democratic.


Unmanned Amreekan planes that bomb and kill militants and terrorists in northern Bakistan. Your line as TV anchor/host however should be: How dare they? If we can’t (or refuse) to do that, how can the filthy Amreekans? These attacks are an attack on our sovereignty. Those dying in the drone attacks are our brothers (albeit, with a short fuse and an unnerving tendency to blow themselves up every now and then in our mosques, shrines and bazaars). Yes, well, brothers, nevertheless.

Dr. A.Q. Khan

Bakistan’s favourite scientist and father of the country’s nuclear bomb. Was accused by Musharraf and the Amreekans for selling nuclear technology to rogue states.

TV anchors/hosts should defend him to the hilt. Because in reality he is an old, harmless petite Bakistani who went to Holland on a harmless tulip-farming course when he was kidnapped by Blackwater agents for attempting to steal fertilizer. He was then handed over to Amreekan slaves in Bakistan who put him under house arrest for 11,000 years and took away all his gardening tools which he was about to sell to harmless gardeners in Iran, North Korea and Libya. Oh, the outrage, the outrage, revolution, revolution!


Language of the Amreekans and other farangies. Fanatical and bigoted Bakistani televangelists should use it to sound ‘educated’ and so should rabid, right-wing TV anchors to sound ‘objective.’


Since entertainment in Bakistan means watching loud mudslinging matches on talk shows, you as an anchor/host should make sure there is as much entertainment in your show as possible – preferably at the expense of someone else’s reputation.


Deadly fighter jets expensively bought from Amreekans but converted to Islam by late mujahid, Zia-ul-Haq.

Freedom of the Media

The freedom to say 2+2=5 and ridiculing, and attacking those who think otherwise.


Scheming vermin who are oppressing Muslims in India and always planning to break up Bakistan. However, it is okay if a channel blasts these idol-worshiping pests, following that by the latest news from Bollywood

[quote]Every TV anchor/host should make sure to have Imran Khan on his/her show at least thrice a week[/quote]


Imran Khan

Every TV anchor/host should make sure to have Imran Khan on his/her show at least thrice a week.  Apart from the fact that this very busy politician seems always to be available, his political knowledge and animated rants can make even the most idiotic talk show host sound like a genius. Also, this brave anti-West and anti-imperialistic revolutionary can help you get a UK visa faster than you can say ‘down with the Queen!’


A Bakistani political party formed by the media. Expected to eradicate corruption, crime, obscenity, secularism, politicians, polio, malaria and petty traffic violations.

Kerry-Lugar Bill

An Amreekan aid bill no Bakistani host/anchor read but was readily and negatively commenting upon. Which is fine, since it was the Army generals who didn’t like the ‘tone’ of the bill. TV anchor Namehram Bokhari found it particularly rude, and in protest sent imperialistic Amreekans Kerry and Lugar the bill for her latest Louis Vuitton handbag. Yeah, baby.

Lal Masjid

A red-coloured mosque in Islamabad that was brutally stormed and attacked by Musharraf’s Army. There was nothing unusual in the mosque. It had what most such mosques and madrassas usually have – i.e., civilians, ulema, students, clergymen, militants, guns, bombs, danda-carrying burqa-clad women, etc.

It was a tragedy that TV anchors/hosts must never forget. According to Sanhsar Abbasi 4,777 people were killed in the action. Though he was temporarily blinded by tear gas while counting the dead, it did not affect the gallant journalist’s counting abilities.

‘1, 2, 10, 100, *cough* … 277, 1001, *cough, cough* …1,779 … outrage, outrage!’


An amicable military man who became a blundering dictator and then de-evolved into becoming a babbling buffoon. The babbling buffoon part would have been best served had he become a TV talk show host instead.


Anyone who did not take Junaid Jamshed’s Ramzan shows seriously.


As a talk show host, be sure to be as contradictory and vague about the Taliban as possible.

‘Taliban are Zionist/Amreekan/Hindu implants. No wait, actually they are our brothers. No wait, they are Bakistanis seeking revenge for drone attacks. No, actually they are foreigners posing as Muslims. No, they are just misguided Muslims. No wait, they are uncircumcised anti-Islam brutes. No wait, they are men whose families got killed by Army operation. No wait, they are Blackwater agents. No wait …

The writer is a journalist, author, cultural critic, satirist and historian.