Rejoice! Rejoice! The revolution is nigh! Tumultuous crowds greet me everywhere I go – millions of youthias, Insafians, Insafesstas, Insafestresses, Insafestoons and Insafiosos. A heaving sea of millions … where was I? Oh yes, my tumultuous jalsas.

Everyone tells me I’m Prime Minister-in-waiting. And since Donald Trump is President-in-waiting, I thought I should call him, before his swearing-in or swearing-at, whatever. “Good Morning, Mr President!” I said.

“An a very good mornin’ ta yew Pram Minister!” he replied graciously.

“May God be with you, Mr President”, I said.

“May God be with you Pram Minister”, he replied.

“How goes it, Mr President?” I asked.

“Oh fan, just fan Pram Minister, only trouble is that damn woman’s appealin’ ta the black vote”.

“You mean blacks have the vote in America?” I asked incredulously.

“Years they do Pram Minister, they sure as hell do”, replied Donald.

“Never you mind, Mr President, I’m calling to wish you success and four glorious years in the White House – four jumbo, corn fed, fantabulous, sun kissed years with jojoba extract, lemon fragrance and Nutella topping”. “Gee thyanks Pram Minister”, said Donald, “an who you gonna call next?” “Well, since Nawaz Sharif is doing CPEC with the Chinese, I thought I’d call the Japanese and do JPEC with them in KP”. “Good idea. You go right ahead!”

So I called Hirishito Toto and said, “Is this Hirishito Toto? Or is it Hiritoto Shito? Or is it Toto Shititoto or indeed Shititoto Hirishito?” No answer. I wonder why. Better forget about JPEC.

Which reminds me, I’d better start drawing up a list of attendees to my oath-taking ceremony as PM. I’ll start with President Donald Trump, followed by Prince Charles and my hot aristocratic friends from London: The Rt Hon Lucy Morrulls, Amanda Bonker-Lott, Lady Anita Hump and Violet Luev-Merking.

Im the Dim