The black sheep

So guys, I’ve been itching to do a post on Ramzan (Ramazan? Ramadan?) but it’s just not coming to me yet. Just like my current state of being, my thoughts on the subject are only half-baked, and I feel like I need another week or so to get this matter sorted. Instead, something else has been driving me oh-so-crazy this week.  I guess it all started when I read about the ‘Afghan-American shooter’ who opened fire at a gay nightclub in Orlando this past Sunday. What especially bugged me about this whole incident was how it was immediately linked to Islamic Extremism (proving yet again why Trump exists in America). Yes, the idiot who shot those people was Muslim, and an extremist, but he didn’t do this for the sake of Islam. Nah baby doll! He did this because he hated LGBT people. Like obviously! He was bigoted and stubborn, and very insane, much like that American Batman extremist who killed twelve people at a movie theatre back in 2012 (remember that guy?!) Anyway, this whole incident got me thinking - how can people be so bold in their stubborn hateful behavior? This guy was especially crazy, and most people are nowhere near as manic (well, I hope so), but what drives certain people to commit so blindly to a cause and use it to hurt others without any guilt?

You know that person who you totally know is going to turn out to be the biggest loser in the world one day, if he/she isn’t one already? I know you know who I’m talking about. We all have one in the family. This person doesn’t work, this person can’t socialise, this person is always defensive, and, in almost all cases, this person is continually making arguments that no one in their right mind can even comprehend, let alone support. Most importantly though, this person is almost always summoned by a vast cloud of stench - a weird Dorito-couch smell - like the foreboding darkness that surrounds Mordor in Lord of the Rings. If by any chance you happen to be this very person, I congratulate you. You have been saved from your own stink. You have proven that, ironically, there in only one slot in the family worth vying for - that of the Black Sheep.

The privilege of the One Percent allows our black sheep further indulgences

***

Every summer, members of the One Percent flock to the great West, looking for a safe place to show off their bare legs and boozy personalities. Last summer, I decided to spend most of my vacation time in the great city of New York, despite the risk of running into a desi when clad in inappropriate attire.  It just so happened that whilst walking in the park, I found myself on the Upper East Side with a dead phone and no cab in sight. Reluctantly, I boarded the Metrobus in my mini skirt, only to find Sherdil sitting there with his family - a super old man, a fat woman, and a boy who appeared to be a younger version of Sherdil, all dressed in loose shalwar kameez.

“This is my mother, my grandfather, and my older brother, Sharaiz” he said, awkwardly introducing me to his family. I was greeted with bad looks from all three family members. Suddenly, before I could settle in my seat, a large black man walked straight up to Sherdil’s family. He seemed to be wearing pink lipstick.

“What’s your problem old man?” he inquired. “Why’ve you been staring at me like that, huh?”

The entire family fell silent and almost began to cower in their seats. The man inched closer and pulled back his sleeves.

“If I was as bad as you think I am, you’d be in some major trouble, sir!” he hissed, and then stepped off the bus at the next stop. As soon as he was gone, Sherdil’s mother burst out in tears.

“Sherdil!” she screamed, oblivious of everyone else on the bus. “Why didn’t you do anything? That man was about to hurt your grandfather and you just sat there like a coward.”

“Me?” replied Sherdil. “Why are you screaming at me? It’s not my fault. And anyway, Sharaiz is older. Scream at him!”

“Oh, you know he can’t do anything” she screamed in return. “You should have done something - it is your responsibility to protect us!”

***

I happen to be a victim of black sheepism, you know (yes, it’s true). As I studied the behavior of the black sheep, and learned to evade its attacks, I began to compose a theory about the species as a whole. Okay, so, black sheep are lazy and inconsiderate by nature. Often, in our society, the privilege of the One Percent allows them to indulge more deeply in their true form, causing them to fall behind other sheep children. Soon, all the adult sheep begin to compare the sheep children, and the black sheep grow insecure (this being the basis of all their decisions hereafter). Caught between the need to protect themselves from the constant reminder of their failures and the desire to eat Doritos in bed, black sheep find solace in their mind. They convince themselves that they are right and everyone else is wrong. And then, BAM - before you know it, the black sheep blame you for their misfortune and make you pay for all their weed and vittles.

***

That evening, Sherdil decided to take a stroll around the city by himself. He missed his village and the open fields, and longed to go on one of his hunting trips. He had also started resenting his brother more and more with each day. “I probably shouldn’t keep more than two wives” he thought to himself. “After all, I’m going to have to take care of Sharaiz’s family as well.”

Zara C. Churri lives in Lahore