French philosopher Simone De Beauvoir wrote intriguingly about the concept of authentic and inauthentic love – where she believed that loving inauthentically was an existential threat. She called it “loving in bad faith” – when we believe that love will complete us, or when we lose ourselves in our beloved. She lived in a society where men were encouraged to have interests outside their relationships, which made women vulnerable to the dangers of inauthentic love. To get the love men wanted but never had, to have the love they desired but were not prepared to give, men sought clandestine romantic relationships. They believed these relationships will rescue and redeem them; only authentic love had the power to redeem but only if they were ready for redemption. In authentic love, both parties recognised each other’s independence, and pursued aims and interests outside of their relationship if they wanted to. She, herself, enjoyed an authentic long-term open relationship with Jean-Paul Sartre for most of her life. Nonetheless, I am not sure how this can be translated into practical advice in the modern world. How about loving deeply, but not quitting your day job?
De Beauvoir remains the most modern of the classic philosophers who discussed intimate relationships. She offers the best advice: that your own interests and independence are what make you lovable in the first place; therefore, insist on independence and equality in your relationships.
German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer is perhaps the most cynical among the group of philosophers who opined about love and relationships. He believed romantic love to be the greatest force in human life. It is strong enough, he observed, to drive some people to death, and many more to the asylum. No matter how real and sublime this emotion might feel to us, Schopenhauer believed that it was just an illusion. In his view, love boils down to the instinct of sex installed in every individual of the species to perpetuate itself. For the individual, however, love can be experienced as an endless torment and hazard. It has the potential to consume, and disturb our otherwise well-regulated lives. All the while, what we experience as romantic energy and fervent admiration is the strong will to existence of unborn generations. Schopenhauer denies, however, that this is a cynical viewpoint, because producing the next generation is a far nobler and greater task than chasing the "exuberant sensations and transcendental soap-bubbles" of subjective romance. Hence, Schopenhaurian love advice would be that if you are unlucky enough to experience the feelings of love, it could simply drive you crazy. Based on that, I could tell you to avoid it, but you haven't got much choice in the matter.
Many people face disappointment in relationships, but it does not stop them from moving on. At some point, some of them find love again, because of the openness of their hearts. This is because our early relationships create emotional attachment bonds, and might wire our brains accordingly
The romantic view of relationships can often turn out to be a bad notion for some, and an exceptionally treacherous guide for marital life. This is because many people want love to function like a drug, giving them an immediate and sustained high; while they want to do nothing except passively receive the good feeling. Romantic love can be experienced as possessive and needy in such relationships, with each person having their own agenda. At first, everything seems fantastic where both parties are experiencing the best aspects of their partner and feel a sense of purpose. Later, it may become a battle of wills, as each one tries to assert their wants and needs onto the other. There is a tone in such relationships around fairness and what’s right. This focus creates frustration, high expectations, anger and, most detrimentally, controlling behaviour. There are responsibilities and tasks that need to materialise within a relationship, but people never stop and think about what’s most important in their world. As one gets older in such a relationship, the abstract concept of love does not remain exciting. The exact details of an imaginary girlfriend, which used to keep our minds in a fantasy groove, wither away. Every fall into love involves the triumph of hope over self-knowledge. Life turns out to be a disappointment because the traditional narrative of romance in our head was completely unattainable.
Harriet Lerner, an eminent psychologist, writes how most people want a life partner who is beautiful, mature, intelligent, loyal, loving, sensitive, competent and responsible. But very few evaluate a prospective partner with the same objectivity that they use to select a household appliance or a car. To critically evaluate a partner, we would need to stand back and objectively evaluate our needs and desires. However, by doing so, we also fear that there will be no one left for us to love. Therefore, we often choose a partner who is lacking than having no partner at all. Similarly, all the romantic lore of our culture enlightens us that once we find true love with a partner, it will continue. Yet, this partnership lasts only if both parties remain committed to being loving towards each other. However, not everyone can bear the weight of true love. Wounded hearts turn away from love because they do not want to do the work of healing necessary to sustain and nurture love. Men often turn away from true love and choose relationships in which they can be emotionally withholding when they feel like it, but still receive love from someone else. Unfortunately, they happen to choose power over love. To know and keep true love alive, we must be willing to surrender the will to power.
Married people have been traditionally thought to be happier than those who are single. However, recent research into relationships and happiness, at Michigan University, assessed the level of happiness among 7,000 married and single individuals. The outcome of the study was that staking your happiness on being married isn’t a sure bet, as the lifelong married people showed only marginally higher levels of happiness. The inference it seems is that lifelong happiness – a sense of well-being and fulfilment – is more rooted in your overall life, and not just whether you’re in a relationship or not. People can spend their lives in unhappy relationships, and single people, on the other hand, might derive enjoyment from other aspects of their lives. If the goal is to really find happiness, it seems a little silly that people put so much stock into being partnered. Well-being is complex, and involves several dimensions, including how you think, feel and behave, and the societal context in which you live. One example is to cultivate positive emotions such as compassion and generosity lifelong. Another is to serve something bigger and larger than just your own personal needs and ego. Healthy hedonism may also include taking time to chill, practice gratitude, and eating healthy to improve your immunity and mental health.
Recent academic evidence suggests that married adults earn substantially more than unmarried adults, and have three times the net worth. Similarly, married couples spend approx. $10,000 less per person than unmarried people. Similar research also shows that people with prudent and reliable partners tend to perform better at work, earn more promotions, make more money, and feel more satisfied with their jobs. However, they are not healthier because people in romantic relationships work out less than people who are single. This is because as a couple, you’re more likely to do couples’ things: eat meals together, watch TV together, and hang out together. Therefore, after four years in a stable relationship, people gain significantly more weight than they would from the natural result of aging. The researchers speculated that feeling secure in a relationship tends to cause people to focus less on their appearance, and therefore on healthy behaviours that affect their appearance. None of this, however, means that you should choose your life partner based on how conscientious they are, or whether you think they not only eat well but also exercise. But it appears that having a conscientious and prudent partner, both in a practical sense and in a healthy lifestyle sense, is an ingredient in the recipe for a better, more rewarding career, and for a healthier and longer life.
In most cultures, the doorstep to a life partnership often happens to be love. Love seems to serve many functions in that context, including feeling more connected to the world, and better networking with people who matter in life. Love can help people feel more open-minded and accepting of differences in others. It can help appreciate diversity in society, things, and situations around you. The consciousness of having the one you love around you, eliminates the feeling of anxiety, and unveils your ability to influence others positively. When in love, people learn how to stop being self-centred and selfish; it brings you to that point where you can also think about others’ satisfaction as you feel about yours. The presence of love creates a positive state of mind where you like to live life to its fullest, and never lose hope in life. Your faith in love builds confidence, and you believe you can achieve anything with the support of your partner. At the heart of a life partnership lies unparalleled mutual emotional support. Having someone by your side who understands your deepest fears, shares in your highest joys, and stands with you in your darkest moments, is invaluable. This emotional stability goes beyond mere comfort; it often feels like a fundamental human need for connection and belonging.
Many people face disappointment in relationships, but it does not stop them from moving on. At some point, some of them find love again, because of the openness of their hearts. This is because our early relationships create emotional attachment bonds, and might wire our brains accordingly. Therefore, there is always this craving inside us that nothing else but love can satisfy. It is said that you become what you think about the most, and you also attract what you think about the most. Therefore, the more you believe in genuine relationships that bring meaning to your life, the more you will experience true love during your life. This belief will enable you to create positive vibes around yourself that will attract more love in your life. Whether you are aware or not, because you don’t believe in love does not take away the feeling of love people have for you and their willingness to be committed to you. It’s easy not to be aware or choose to ignore the love around you, but this doesn’t make it vanish and unreal. Our brains are literally wired to attach us to people that we are attracted to, through an inherent love-map. Everybody craves happiness. We want to do things, go to places, and be with people who make us happy. Intimate relationships create happiness and a sense of joy. How exciting it is to know that someone is happy because they have you in their life.
True love is rarely an emotional space where needs are instantly gratified. The essence of such love is mutual recognition - two individuals seeing each other as they are. The usual approach is to meet someone we like and put our best self forward, to be more appealing to the person we want to attract. When our real self appears in its entirety, the good behaviour becomes too much to maintain. A good relationship is when someone accepts your past, supports your present, and encourages your future. Marriage is never a romantic walk through a beautiful garden; it is more like a climb up a mountain. The key to a great relationship is not about finding the best partner, it is about being the best partner. You may begin by thinking of your love as an action rather than a feeling – this is one way of automatically assuming accountability and responsibility. Then start with being your best you. Being your best you, means being happy with your life and the way you’re living it. Being the best partner you can be is not about how much you can give tangibly, it's about how much of your best self you're able to bring into the relationship. In many therapeutic communities, this is called “value”. This begins by believing in and feeling great about yourself first and foremost. If you don't value yourself, no one will do that for you. If this does not happen, you'll have a partner expecting you to carry your own weight, and you'll be left to struggle with a frustrated partner as well as your own baggage.
While the benefits of having a life-partner are many, it’s also crucial to acknowledge that the relationship requires effort, commitment, and a willingness to grow together. When you find a potential life partner, who can completely turn your world around, you tell them things that you’ve never shared with anyone. You share hopes for the future, and about the dreams that will never come true. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. Memories of your childhood come back, colours seem brighter and more brilliant, and laughter seems part of daily life. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soulmate who will remain loyal to the end. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.