This week one of Pakistan’s poutiest models, Ayaan Ali (people have been calling her just Ayaan but I don’t think shes quite ‘there’ yet) was caught at Islamabad’s airport trying to board a flight to Dubai, carrying just a little over half a million dollars in cash. Literally, it was in her carry-on luggage. The legal limit, as anyone who has been on an international flight is told, is $10,000. In a fit of police efficiency rarely seen for things like terrorism or crime, our model-turned-money-mule was summarily arrested and charged with money laundering. She has been put in jail for two weeks.
I guess this is the Pakistani equivalent of Naomi Campbell being court-ordered to pick up trash for throwing a phone at her assistant, or indeed Naomi Campbell testifying before the IIC about receiving blood diamonds from Charles Taylor (come to think of it, Naomi has had quite an eventful career, criminally speaking).
People like to see pretty people go up in flames (as opposed to everyone one else in this country, who merely burns anonymously)
The story caught like wildfire because, as we’ve established, people like to see pretty people go up in flames (as opposed to everyone one else in this country, who merely burns anonymously). The incident immediately brought to mind several questions for me. The first was: how do you even stuff half a million dollars in cash in a carry-on? Seriously. She would have to be carrying over 5000 $100 dollar notes. That kind of money is what kidnappers in movies are given in silver briefcases, and is quite unlikely to fit into something as simple as an LV clutch (just guessing, but clichés are cliches for a reason). Second, and I mean this with as much respect as I have left for them, how did the airport authorities figure it out? They say they saw something peeking out of the corner of her luggage (yeah, like 5000 things), but from personal experience I propose that they were likely to have asked for a bribe rather than handing her in. Back in 2009, when I was travelling abroad for a holiday with a totally legal amount of foreign currency in my backpack, the immigration guy asked if I could give him chai pani and then insinuated that he’d hand me over to the tax people. I’ve heard them do the same to others. I got out of it because I counted my cash and am quick to anger but the impulse to make a quick buck is, we can be sure, omnipresent. It’s far more likely that our lovely model was ratted out by someone who tipped off the police, a thrilling turn of events if this were a CSI episode. But third, and most importantly: Ayaan, why would you be flying commercial if you had that kind of cash lying around?? Trying to take out half a million in cold, hard, undeclared cash is exactly what private jets were invented for. It’s practically the only reason they travel between Pakistan and the UAE. Why not ring up one of your powerful acquaintances and avail the opportunity?
I confess, I’ve basically spent the last three days trying to invent new and wonderous ways in which I could take out that kind of money were I to have it, and the exercise is as exciting as it is futile. So far I’ve come up with lining a long trench coat (saw it in a 50s noir movie), wrapping the money up in an elaborate turban ala Erika Badu/Khuswant Singh and lastly, as I’ve said, charter a private plane wearing the turban/trench combo.
The obvious question was why and how she had that kind of money in cash to begin with. Ayaan later appeared in court to say how sorry she was for the whole thing, and how it was a misunderstanding because she didn’t know that there was a limit on how much foreign exchange you could carry. The court was having none of that and sent her back to jail.
She then said she had the money because she had sold a property to Rehman Malik’s brother (oh Rehman, Rehman, Rehman! How I have missed thee, skirting around the hemlines of controversy like a well-intentioned hobbit). The media - who have been having a field day with this since it means they don’t have to ask questions about Christians - immediately speculated that she was doing this for some corrupt politician of sordid provenance, which isn’t outside the realm of possibility. It doesn’t surprise anyone that the scandal can be traced back to political parties.
Ayaan (on further thought, she’s earned the single name title) has apparently been trying to launch a singing career in Europe. Where in Europe? We are not told, but I do know that her jail time will do spectacular things for her street-cred if ever she does decide to drop an album. I have warmed to her as this scandal unfolded, proof that pretty people really do have it easier in this world. I think it highly unlikely she was the mastermind behind this operation. (And yes, her sad eyes and perfect pout have a lot to do with my feeling.)
If you’re reading this, Ayaan, remember Martha Stewart survived six months in the big house for insider trading and emerged richer and more powerful than ever. When the bars get too much, close your eyes and think of Martha. God’s speed.
#freeAyaan #JeSuisAyaan
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