While the coronavirus health emergency rages all around us, I have far more urgent things to attend to. Foremost amongst these is the persecution and prosecution of Mir Shakilurrahman of the GEO-Jang Group. Did you know that Prosecution is the oldest profession in the world? There are many Prosecutes in my team who’ve promised to serve justice on MSR and shut him up once and for all. “I want the peace of the graveyard in Pakistan”, I told all my Prosecutes. They bowed deeply and declared in unison, “Your wish is our command, Your Glorious Ignoramusness”.

No sooner had they declared this, that Those Who Listen Into All Conversations At Bunny Gala, got onto the blower and barked down the line, “Pakistan WILL be a graveyard if you don’t observe the lockdown we have ordered. It’s essential to flatten the curve”. My Prosecutes scurried off as soon as they heard these orders. I then turned for counsel to my collection of Pirs, Groupies, Star Gazers, Donors and other Technocrats.

“Why do they want me to flatten the curve? Curves should be buoyant and bouncy, not flat. What d’you think?” They all declared in unison, “undeniably correct, Your Imperial Haughtiness”. Racist that I am, I’m far more worried about Prince Charles getting Corona than about all these desis infecting each other and going to hell. I rang the Queen on her private number, “Your Majesty, I am so very sorry to hear that the Prince of Wales has tested positive for coronavirus after eating an old bat. May I ask how he is?” “Nay comment” she said, “nigh get orff the phone.”

I think she’s losing her marbles, poor thing. I’m not surprised. I hear the British royal family’s running out of money. Well naturally, given that nobody in that clan has worked for a thousand years.

Im the Dim