This might sound a bit old-fashioned but I like weddings that look like cosy, intimate celebrations; not miniature versions of Bollywood movies. Khair, who cares? One is expected to follow the script, fund all the shor-sharaaba and pose for well-lit photographs. Ironically, everyone knows that regardless of how grand a party you throw, someone or the other will certainly pick out flaws.
Yesterday, I was at my cousin’s mehendi. His family organised something small and lovely, given that the demonetisation fiasco in India has made it really difficult for people to splurge. As usual, there were aunties investigating whose jewellery was fake and who was wearing real gold. There were uncles finding the dessert too sweet, the pickle too sour, and the chhole too spicy. And there were younger people like myself hoping that the ones we were flirting with were not unavailable. Uff!
In keeping with aaj kal ke norms, the groom’s family did hire a choreographer for the mehendi. His friends and the bride’s friends danced to the usual stuff that one has come to expect of such evenings — Mehendi Hai Rachnewali meets Poora London Thumakda meets Baby Doll Main Sone Di. Since Ae Dil Hai Mushkil has released recently, even Channa Mereya was part of the package.
In a time of demonetisation, how do you pay for everyday things such as organising a wedding event?
There are times when I wish I did not have to show up at some social gatherings, especially those involving extended family. There is way too much pressure to fit into a certain mould, to supply answers to inane questions and to satisfy every curiosity related to any damned aspect of one’s life. The torture is daintily wrapped up in affectionate noises, so one cannot even take offense or snub them.
Yesterday, right in the middle that mehendi, I hit upon a solution. As I looked around at the faces in the large hall, various incidents from the immediate and distant came rushing to my mind. I began to label those people one by one: bigoted, gossip monger, manipulative, superficial, show off, scheming, greedy, bloodsucker, etc.
"Why do we talk about gender as an attribute of the body, not of the soul?"
I had to force myself to stop. After all, how long can one let one’s history with a person determine the future course of conversation? The curse of victimhood has to be cast away if one hopes to achieve some semblance of peace. When is it that one can say to the feared other, “I choose to believe in your capacity to be nice, kind, wonderful...I am going to treat you the way I want to be treated by you...”?
I decided to make that choice. It was tempting to use sarcasm as a weapon. It was tough to not expect the worst of people I knew. But it was far more exciting to see that one wasn’t entirely just a witness to one’s circumstances; that one had some measure of control over what happened next.
This evening, I was supposed to go for the wedding reception but I didn’t. I found my way to a gathering that was definitely more enriching than just stuffing myself with yummy food. My friends at Ecole Mondiale World School invited me to a programme called ‘Unheard Voices’ put together by students of Grade 10. Their focus was on the transgender and hijra community in India. Writer and activist Kalki Subramaniam from Coimbatore, India’s first transgender college principal Manabi Bandopadhyay from Kolkata, and film actor Mehendi from Mumbai were guests of honour at the school. The students, their teachers and their parents listened intently and respectfully as the panelists spoke of their journeys - struggles as well as joys.
Prime Minister Modi's government proceeded with its demonetisation policy in an effort to clamp down on 'black money'. It is reported to have resulted in great difficulties for ordinary Indians
I was struck by something that Manabi said. When she was asked, “When did you decide to become a woman?” she replied: “Why do we talk about gender as an attribute of the body, not of the soul? My soul has always been that of a woman, since the very beginning.”
Kalki highlighted the insults, bullying and sexual harassment she had to face as a student. She urged all parents to accept their children as they are, so that the latter can feel strong, valued and confident. Manabi too made an appeal for the same. She charmed all of us with her wild sense of humour and heaped blessing upon blessing on all the students for treating their community with respect
“If the sun and moon don’t discriminate against us, why do people treat us differently?” she asked.
What I loved about this event was that the organisers did not pat themselves on the back or talk about what a great thing they were doing by taking up a cause. They seemed conscious of the fact that they were there to learn, and not be saviours. I hope more schools that engage in service activities take this approach. It’s so important for us to learn to step back, and let people with experience and knowledge tell their own stories.
Chintan Girish Modi is our Mumbai-based columnist who loves ajrak and alubukhaaray ki chatni. Tweet to
