Happy New Year everyone – except it’s not the Muslim new year (taubah taubah, my darling Taliban). My new years resolutions are as follows:

1. Dethrone Nawaz.

2. Enthrone self.

3. Take off for holiday.

4. Take off garments.

5. Embrace Principals (but only if they’re 20 somethings and that too of English-medium schools).

6. Exterminate liberals.

7. Embrace the Taliban.

8. Dump friends and formers.

9. Embrace Zenobia.

Just had a blast in London where I rubbed shoulders with King George V (at Madame Tussaud’s), King George the Clooney and Prince George the Baby. King George the Clooney has gotten himself a stunning wife. I think her name’s Amal Nitrate.

As usual, all my fans and followers picked up the tab for me in London. They took me to this Kashmiri restaurant in Southall and I asked if it was secretly owned by Nawaz Sharif. “Because if it is”, I said with great profundity, “let me tell you what the menu should be – Ready Cooked Books, Chocolate Profiterrors, Half-Baked Flans & Plans, Frozen Assets and Fishy Fingers in Till”. Then I laughed myself silly while the poor Kashmiris looked on bemused.

After dinner, everyone asked me if General Raheel Sharif had told me to call off the dharna after the Peshawar carnage. I replied, “I vehemently deny reports that General Raheel Sharif ordered me to call off the dharna – it was just a one line SMS, not by any means an order.”

For the record, I also vehemently denied that I had ever suggested the Taliban open an office in Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa – all I suggested was that they have a little desk in a little corner.

And anyway, this is all rubbish spread by liberal scum. The problem with liberal scum is that they’re jealous. Yes, jealous. Jealous of the crowds and chicks I can pull. Jealous of the airplane I fly in. I’ve now decided that I’m going to fly by helicopter, not by plane. Helicopters are better than planes. Not only can they fly through the air like planes, they can also hoover.

Im the Dim