“Your Majesty, even though you are a very, very old woman and therefore not my cup of tea, I am writing to make you an offer. I would be grateful if you could please restore the British Raj in Pakistan. The people are hopelessly dishonest, crooked and shady and they don’t mind corruption at all. It is just like in the mid-1700s when the sponsors of British imperialism, the East India Company, had to come and sort out these debased natives. I have tried my level best, with the unstinting aid of the remnants of the British Indian Army, to sort out these wretches but they are very resilient. They have aborted our hybrid project and now we don’t know what to do.
“One choice is to go down the Myanmar route but that is fraught with difficulties e.g. sanctions (we don’t care about national sanctions but personal sanctions are unbearable since most of us have families and wealth in the West. Post-office inability to go to the UAE, UK, US, Canada – unthinkable horror). The only solution is a revival of the British Raj. If you don’t impose it forthwith, there will be terrible consequences. Gilani’s win has set a horrible precedent. More victories for democracy will follow if we don’t nip this in the bud. Waiting for your swift and decisive response, Ma’am. I remain, Yours Faithfully, Im the Dim.”
Look at! Dekho!
In response, I have written my own latter to Her Majesty: “Dear Mrs Philip, please to remember that you are only constitutional monarch, with no executive power – just the way we want some people to be, ahem. You are answerable to gormint of the day – just the way we want some people to be, ahem. Please do not dismember this. Meaning do not forget this. Civilian supremacy zindabad.”