Yayyy! I’ve made it to the Top Ten Shortest Celebrity Marriages list:

1. Mike Tyson & Robin Gibbon – 1 day.

2. Britney Spears & Jason Alexander – 2 days.

3. Pamela Anderson & Kidd Rock – 3 weeks.

4. Kim Kardashian & Chris Humphreys – 4 months.

5. Imran Khan & Reham Khan – 9 months, 22 days.

I’m right up there at No. 5. Next time, inshallah, I’ll be No. 1.

The rumour mills have been churning out the most abject rubbish. Like Gen Zaheer ul Islam, former DG ISI, ordered me to get married at the height of last year’s dharna. Like he said a huge scandal was about to break and I had to marry to avoid it. Like it’d be better if my new bride were a Pakhtun. Lies, all lies! I married Reham because that was the only way I could get to wear a sherwani, given the fact that Gen Zaheer’s conspiracy had failed to oust Nawaz and make me PM.

Anyway, I’m going to debunk all the false rumours and confirm the true ones. It is correct that I sent Reham the divorce by email. I wrote: “Dear Reham stop I divorce you stop I divorce you stop I divorce you stop yours affectionately IK stop”. Thank God I showed it to Yusuf (who can’t read) before I pressed SEND but who was clever enough to notice that it was not a telegram. So, I asked PTI’s information secretary to send the email. Then we all went for a drive and a spot of babe watching. By the time we got back, and opened my email, Reham’s reply had come. It read: “Account number: 9211-420-786. Sort code: 9-11-2001. Swift code: 14-8-1947. IBAN: BBCGB-GIMME-GIMME-GIMME. Bank name & address: Barclays Bank LLP, Shoreditch, London EC1 FUC”.

I passed on all this information to Zulfi Bokhari, who is an indefatigable donor and fixer in London, with an attached message: “Pls deal with said person and then sweep under carpet. Thank you & goodbye”. Then I dealt with the Press who were only interested in my divorce whereas all I wanted to talk about was my new shortcut to the top.

Im the Dim