As you may be aware, it’s all been decided. Nawaz Sharif is about to get his marching orders. And he’s going to go out with a bang, not a whimper. I have been conspiring at this bang since the day Nawaz won elections in 2013, being quite an expert at bangs myself. For those who don’t like instability – and especially the dollar plunging and foreign reserves going down – I have a simple solution. Just marry a foreign heiress and get yourself a whole new bunch of dollars or pounds or whatever currency you need.

You’ll also be glad to know that a most important decision has been taken by THEM. In view of the crisis in national security and economy, THEY have asked me to help implement the FINAL SOLUTION. Take heart, countrymen, your guardians are coming to your rescue.

THEY have asked me to get my London supporters and contributors to buy some designer face zips by Prada so that when Pakistan’s noisy media analysts are on the verge of opening their ill-informed mouths and causing embarrassing incidents, THEY can just zip the analysts’ mouths shut. THEY have told me that they’ve come to the conclusion that the media suffers from a fatal illness called “Open Mouth Before Brain Engages” syndrome – a condition which often affects the mentally challenged. As usual, I am presenting you with a brilliant and pro-active solution to Pakistan’s pressing problems. Sleep in peace countrymen, you have nothing to fear.

Finally, the cherry on the cake: I have designated 2017 as the Year of Extra-Constitutional Solutions or YES for short. Actually, 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 were also designated YES by me, but they turned out to be NO – Not On. During the course of these four years, they sent me several coded messages saying “Not On” which I mistook to mean the non-availability of the signal on my mobile phone which I keep switched off, being naturally thrifty. It never occurred to me in all these years that Not On could possibly have meant NO for short, thereby cancelling YES.

Anyway, YES it is!

Im the Dim