Okay guys, I have a confession to make. I know I’m totally gorgeous now, but I was a chubby kid. Yes, I was unattractive, unkempt, and well, fat. There was this one time I dyed the tips of my black hair bright red, and I straight up looked like a Coca Cola bottle spilling over. Anyway, I’d like you to know that my swan story had a little bit more depth than that. I’m not just using this gig as therapy, you know. I think my massive weight loss is the reason why I’m such a nice person. I really am. I almost don’t like it all, but being bullied for my appearance taught me compassion, and has left me somewhat incapable of causing any real harm to anyone. Trust me, I’ve tried.
Now, regardless of being so nice or whatever, I recently felt something I’ve never felt before. Just a few weeks ago, I had this intense urge to punish someone. My maid told me that her husband was totally cheating on her and that he’d beat her up every time she went back to her village. Unfortunately, this is all too common. I mean, we’ve all heard this story. I should have been expecting it. But it still made my blood boil. In fact, I was sure that if you’d cut me open in that moment, I would look like what Coca Cola looks like when it’s boiled. My blood would spit and fizz and bubble over and burn everything. So yes, I was a little upset. But even more than that, I was angry. I wanted to do something very violent to her husband. Now, I know violence is wrong, and I actually couldn’t hurt a stupid fly (I’ve tried this as well), but as I lay in my bed awake at night, I wondered, “Is this killer instinct innate in all us humans?” It sure seems that way, wouldn’t you agree? Well, I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that we, as a species, are insanely flawed.
The things she sees around her sometimes make the author feel fairly murderous
***
It was the year 2000 and Britney Spears had just released her new single ‘Oops! ...I Did It Again.’ Grade 6 had begged their drama teacher - a devilishly good-looking man they named Mr. X - to let them perform an interpretative dance to the song, highlighting the significance of deceived appearances. Mr. X was young and cool, and he had thought this to be a very creative venture. Therefore, despite resistance from upper management, he agreed to let the kids have their week of fun and put up a show for the entire school during assembly on Friday. As the official leader of the Grade 6 BS Fan Club, Bano was appointed the director, and worked closely with Mr. X to ensure that the performance was nothing but extraordinary. However, she also felt that it was important to immerse herself in the spirit of the song. A day before the performance, she informed the BS Fan Club that was would pull a stunt that would make Britney proud. Later that day, she walked into the principal’s office and falsely accused Mr. X of giving her a kiss on the lips during an errand run. Word spread throughout the school, and Mr. X was fired just a few hours later. At the end of the school day, I found Bano waiting outside the principal’s office. “What will you tell your parents?” I asked. Smirking, she looked at me and leaned forward, as if revealing a dark secret. “I’m not that innocent.”
***
Metal health issues are rife in Pakistan. In fact, I have three close friends, and all of us are majorly depressed. My mother is majorly depressed. My sister is majorly depressed. Clearly, my maid isn’t doing too well either. Sometimes I feel like if the whole world decided to ship all its crazies to one country, it would pick Pakistan simply because the crazies would fit right in. This place feels like one big asylum. We need therapy to be accessible here. I mean, there are three therapists in Lahore, and although I’d love to spend a hundred dollars an hour to feel better, I’d rather go to Dubai and shop for the summer. Seriously.
***
Bano felt proud of herself when she got back home. Yes, Mr. X had lost his job, but he’d find another one. It was a small price to pay for popularity. Her name had been protected by the administration, so her reputation was intact, but she loved being the secret rebellion that had swept the school. Even better, the administration had ‘convinced’ her to keep her parents out of it - it was genius indeed. Mr. X was a good teacher. Bano had had a crush on him since the day he walked in three months ago. After stumbling upon his file at the School Supervisor’s office, she had also started prank-calling him. She loved playing the role of Taalia, a 20-something divorcee who wanted to get involved in the Lahori theatre scene. It was surprising that Mr. X had indulged her, spent hours chatting with her on the phone, and made plans to meet her soon. But he had a few kids and with the scandal, Bano knew it was time to move on. She had the perfect plan to cut things short. Picking up the phone, she dialed Mr. X’s home phone number. His wife picked up. “Hello!” chirped Bano. “I just wanted to let you know that my name is Taalia and that your husband got me pregnant. Thank you!”
