Howzzat

One of my former spice (plural of spouse) is trying to publish a horrid book about me and my doings. It’s all lies of course and in any case, I’ve decided to brazen it out. So I’m going to make the following announcement from atop a container: “Good evening, my dear countrymen and women, I hope you had a nice iftar. This is your Captain speaking. We are making good headway towards our destination of Elections 2018, in a flying saucer with aliens aka khalai makhlooq at an altitude of a great high. Had we not been guided by these highly intelligent alien beings, we would have reached our destination in 1400 light years. As it is, and especially if PM Nasir ul Mulk can help it, we will get there in a mere six weeks, give or take a few days, even though some of us, ahem, may have tried very hard to delay the inevitable. I would like you to keep your seat belts fastened, dear countrymen and women and aliens, because there may be some turbulence and flatulence on the way, given my former spouse’s determination to sully my name. The flatulence will be on account of the fact that some people are unrepentant windbags. On the way to Elections 2018, if the spacecraft encounters severe turbulence, please fold away your trays neatly and wait for the oxygen mask to drop in front of you.

“When the oxygen mask does indeed drop in front of you, put it on your nose and mouth and smoke but don’t inhale. Please pay no attention to the baseless allegations of my former spouse because soon they will be washed away by the great tsunami that is about to sweep me into power. Thereafter, rivers of milk and honey will flow and everything will be hunky dory. The aliens will immediately cease their meddling and then they’ll go away and be nice forever more. If they continue meddling, I’ll call them and ask them what they want. Then I’ll give it to them and they’ll go away and be good until the next time they’re bad.”

Im the Dim