Apologise for lying? Who, me? Never! Never in a million years. Apologising for their mistakes is what ordinary people do. Not entitled, arrogant, egotistical, self-centered, shameless autocrats like me and my team. We never apologise. So what if I lied about Najam Sethi stealing 35 seats during Election 2013? So what if I invented the lie about “35 Punctures”? I can brazen it out. We’re untouchable, me and my Teflon Team. Except for Dr Arif Alvi, founding member of the Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaf and former Secretary General. He had the gall to tell me to apologise to Sethi and get it over with. “I’ve been looking at PTI members’ opinion polls. They want you to be different from other politicians and accept your mistakes”, he mumbled. I shouted back, “WHY WOULD I WANT TO LISTEN TO THE SORT OF IDIOTS WHO VOTED ME IN??” “Quite right, mein fuhrer, quite right”, he mumbled and slunk away.

Meanwhile, I’ve been busy doing extremely worthy things. I’ve renamed many of Peshawar’s famous places. Shahrah-e-Ghaffar Khan is now Shahrah-e-Reham Khan. Khushal Khan Khattak Road is now DJ Butt Road. The Khyber Pass is now Pass The Joint. The Qissa Khawani Bazaar is now Kiss ’n Tell Bazaar. Hayatabad is now Wahayatabad. And so on and so forth, in my usual mindless manner.

And another great thing I’ve done is to persuade the Taliban to come to the negotiating table. I summoned the most blood-thirsty ones to my palace in Bani Gala and when they strode in, strapped with suicide jackets, I said, “Listen guys, you’re not going to like this but I’ve decided we’re going back to the old Islamic values of tolerance, art, culture and learning”. They sulked for a while and finally agreed when I told them that they could wage bilateral negotiations on their opponents for ten generations.

As I tucked them into bed, I asked, “is there anything you’d like before sehri?” “Yes please”, they replied, “3 RPGs, 1 IED and some weapons grade plutonium.”

Im the Dim