It’s an acutely beautiful day in Islamabad. Having rained and thundered all night, the air is crisp and the trees have a shiny, emerald glow to them. I am happy to be alive, I think to myself as I stand near the front door and look up at the cloudy sky.
If you ask me what has changed since my cancer diagnosis in June this year, it would be hard for me to pinpoint to just one aspect of my life that has turned over a new leaf. I have been uprooted. And now, four months past treatment (still ongoing), I can see what was needed all along was a humble return to my beloved self. A soft tendering of my inner terrain. An acceptance of what has passed and what has been gained – and lost – in my 41 years on planet Earth. And most importantly, a much-needed awakening (more like a jolt!) to discontinue betraying myself and my body.
Dr Thomas Lodi, a brilliant physician, whom I discovered after I tumbled down the YouTube rabbit hole while researching my disease and how it manifests in the body, states that a cancer diagnosis is a “divine tap on the shoulder,” a second chance from God to re-route your life before it’s too late.
I’ve felt God’s nudge profoundly, particularly when I was physically at my weakest: post-surgery and post-chemotherapy and a month into daily radiation sessions.
When the body is weak and vulnerable, the mind takes a backseat and the soul takes charge again. There’s immense peace that overrides the pain. And that’s when divine guidance, mini bursts of inner awakenings, and synchronicities begin unfolding. But please don’t be subconsciously inspired to manifest the same for yourself, a cancer diagnosis – no matter what your age – is frightening. One thinks of death frequently and one remains in a state of suspended anxiety worrying about those you love and how they’d get by without you (such arrogance).
It’s quite morbid. But most importantly, the false notion of having blown it for yourself, blown your one, single chance at living in this stunningly beautiful world and what could’ve been…it cuts deeply.
In the New York Times bestseller, ‘Radical Remission,’ an empowering book based on numerous case studies of patients who’ve overturned their chronic and at times, terminal disease diagnoses, Kelly A. Turner, during her research, uncovered nine key factors that kept showing up in her data time and time again. Those individuals who reversed their illness attributed their healing to the following:
- Making a radical shift in one’s diet
- Taking complete control of one’s health
- Following one’s intuition
- Incorporating herbs and supplements into one’s diet
- Releasing suppressed emotions
- Increasing positive emotions
- Accepting social support
- Strengthening one’s spiritual connection
- Having a strong life purpose, a reason for living
I recall once, not too long ago, when watching an interview of Dr Thomas Lodi, he said something which really stood out: cancer was a clever disease and therefore one had to dismantle it from all angles.
While the victim in me felt immediately disempowered upon hearing that, days later it dawned on me that illness doesn’t simply manifest out of thin air! Heck, numerous factors aid in its growth and appearance in the body.
Dr Bruce Lipton, a best-selling author and speaker, once said that “genetics loads the gun but lifestyle pulls the trigger.”
So true, don’t you think?
This realisation prodded me to really and truly be honest with myself. Why? Because I had to take ownership of my predicament. If I didn’t and instead, resorted to pinning the blame on some external factor or person, how would I ever get better? And also, wouldn’t that not disempower me further? Wouldn’t accepting my self-betrayal, and my shortcomings ensure that I never put myself in such a precarious situation again? And then, wouldn’t being honest in my self-reflection empower me to take back the reigns of my life and break free towards the path of self-actualisation? Why was I holding myself back with little fibs and delusions?
Once I accepted the truth (I still am), I dropped my baggage, I let go of my “woundology” (a term coined by the author Caroline Myss), I released my false narratives, I shed my facades, I relinquished being loyal to my incorrect, victim-driven storyline. Enough!
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom,” writer Anaïs Nin’s words hold achingly true.
Since June, the life force that was deadened in me for the past two years has come alive in full force. The Divine Hand cooled my temples and then bent forward lighting a single match across my heart. It is a toasty, warm crackle now, not a cold little shell of a heart, which makes summoning awe and joy a simple exercise. But I’m not there yet, don’t be fooled – and is there ever really a final destination in self-reflection? No, it’s a lifelong exercise. And a beautiful, magical one at that.
While a majority of the time I diligently follow a strict nutrition plan and a full routine that incorporates a conscientious spiritual practice, not to mention a return back to the things that brought me immense joy as a child: sketching and painting, I’ve begun to value life deeply.
I live – or at least, strive to live – in the present with focus, gently bringing my straying thoughts and worries back to this single, sweet moment.
If only I had these realisations before, the little critical voice inside of me says…but I must not fall back into regret, for that too is a state of negative disempowerment.
I have the present and that’s all that matters.