Ittefaq Nama

Ittefaq Nama
I went to Belarus, meray aziz humwatno. To buy votes. Yes, votes. Fust I will buy yellow tractors from Belarus for free give-away scheme to lure angry and alienated rural voter. Then I will buy angry and alienated rural votes. Hain ji? Just like yellow taxis of the 90s and free laptops of recent years.

Belarus president Lukashenko has, like me, been in power for decades. Like me, he has no intention of going home, or capping terms of ruler to two terms as in US. Poor thing, he was not educated at St Anthony’s or Gormint College, Lahore. Just in some commune in Russia. And never had biryani and nihari; just dry bread and Vodka which is like Limca without lime. It is his good luck that Russia broke like East Pakistan and became Bangladesh.

Russia broke into many pieces – Bangladesh, Trinidad, Trinimum, Azarbaijan, Shbazbhaijan. And of course Belarus where only tractors are made. Lukashenko Sahab was very sweet. He invited me to boat ride on Dnieper River. I said, “I hope it is not Deeper River, hain ji?” Lukashenko said, “Don’t worry. I know my rivers. In fact, I am expert of potamology and hydrology”. “You may be ex pert but I am current pert”, I said, “and what’s this hippopotamology?” Lukashenko looked at the ceiling (it must be dripping because of monsoon in Belarus) and said slowly, “Not. Hippo. Potamology. Just. Potamology. Science. Of. Rivers”.

I minded it, meray aziz humwatno, that he spoke to me like that in front of your bhabi. When we went on boat ride on river, I asked him, “You say you know hydrology and potamology. Do you know criminology, psychology or geology?”

Lukashenko said, “no, I don’t know any of these”. I replied, “then you are master of stupidology and expert of oafology.”

Lukashenko did not reply but struck a hole in boat and it began to sink. He asked me, “Do you know Swimology?” and I stammered, “n-n-no, w-w-why you are asking?” “Because today you will Drownology and be attacked by Crocodilology and I will not save your Assology because of your Rudology.”

Hai, yellow tractor!