As you know, I’ve recently been to India to see Mr Modi and Prameshwar Godrej. I told Modi it was my childhood dream to beat India at cricket in India. He replied, “You’re only a child once, but you can be childish forever”. I tried again. “It’s very unfair of you not to play with us, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it’s really very unfair of you not to talk peace with us but I really don’t blame you because you should wait until I get into power because Nawaz Sharif is not trustworthy, and he’ll do this, that and the other, blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine …”

To which Modi said, “would you like some cheese to go with that whine?”

I then smote my forehead and laughed at Modi. Doesn’t he know I’m a Muslim and don’t do whine? “No way Jose!” I declared loudly. He asked me where I’d left my manners. “What’s manners?” I asked him. “Manners … er … well, would you open the car door for your wife?” What a silly question, I thought, “when a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife”, I said.

Then Sushma Swaraj came in. She’s a dear old lady and also their Foreign Minister, I’m told. Her parents were from Lahore. “Let’s speak Punjabi, Sushma ji”, I said to her. “Why not? Punjabi is the world’s fastest growing language”. “Yes” I said, “I hear Punjabi is now the third language in Canada’s Parliament but sadly BC still continues to stand for British Columbia.”

Then Sushma and Modi asked me about what I was planning to do next. I told them, “I’m here on earth to build naya Pakistan and to do good unto others. I don’t know what the others are here for”. What about the growing menace of ISIS, they asked. “Oh ISIS! I can tell you if I were the President of the United States of America, ISIS would be WAS WAS”.

Im the Dim