Diary of a Social Butterfly

Diary of a Social Butterfly
Ramadan al Mobarak is coming and I’m so scared about going to jail, na. Why? Oho baba, don’t you know that if anyone sees you eating and drinking in public during the month you can go straight away to jail? And spend three months there. That means all of summers, when you should be in London, you’d be in Kot Lakhpat or Landhi Jail. With no fan even, let along Air Con.

Obviously I’m not going to eat standing in middle of Gulberg Market or Dolmen Mall, I’m not that stupid, okay? But what if some sarrhial type who’s jealous of you, reports you like they do with blasphemy law, saying at 2:30pm on sixth day of Ramzan, sorry, Ramadan, I saw so and so eating with obvious enjoyment while standing in middle of Main Boulevard – what then, haan? Do you get sent to jail? Bhai, I know about proof shoof, but what if someone produces an old picture of you eating a plate of chaat while sitting in your car and saying: you want proof? Here’s proof.

Obviously serving food and eating is tau total crime but what about thinking of it? Suppose you’re going past Bundu Khan and suddenly you have a carving for mutton karahi and naan. And you’re fasting. And in your mind’s eye you can see yourself tucking into the karahi, sipping ice cold Coke? And suppose there’s a mind reader standing there and he reads your mind without you even knowing and reports you to the police. Then what, haan?

Or if you cook aloo gosht and take it to your aunty’s house and on the way you get stopped by police which is hunting for terrorists and they find your guilty degchi, then what? Bhai, I mean you’ve been caught with food in a public place, in the holy month of Ramz… Ramadan.

Or supposing you’re waiting in your car, you fall asleep and start dreaming of food, and your mouth starts munching, someone sees you, reports you to the police. Jail again?

Baba there’s only one ilaaj: don’t leave your house for full thirty days of Ramza… Ramadan, I mean.