I do not care about Western ideals of democracy, human rights, basic human dignity, freedom, liberty and Mcdonalds. I do not care about all the technological advances made by the West. I do not even care about the next season of Game of Thrones anymore. If you cannot get free ice cream in the West, then there is no point in the West existing. Burn them all Cersei!
Siraj-ul-Haq has told me that a man in the west would not even spend money to buy his girlfriend an ice cream. This makes me even more angry at Afghanistan because technically Afghanistan is to the West of us. Siraj-ul-Haq did say ‘west’ so he must mean any person west of Pakistan would not buy his girlfriend an ice cream.
A lack of ice cream becomes a severe strain on Western romantic relationships
As we all know, every person in the West is the same and obviously every person in the West has a girlfriend. I would have had one also, had my forefathers just moved a little more to the west during Partition. The only reason I am still single is because I live in Pakistan. Otherwise you have all seen my profile picture – who wouldn’t want to date an overgrown 28-year-old jobless man who lives in his parents’ basement?
All I know is that I love ice cream. My aforementioned profile picture will give you all the evidence you need for that statement. You do not become the poster-child of obesity without having a few cartons of ice cream along the way.
What I love even more than ice cream is free ice cream. The only reason I ever learned to cycle when I was young was so that the Walls wala would not be able to catch me after I stole a Cornetto from him.
I am with Siraj-ul-Haq on this one. We do not want to promote a culture in Pakistan where a couple would not even spend Rs. 5 on each other. Although I would be skeptical of any ice cream that you can buy for Rs. 5 - if they can sell you donkey meat they can sell you donkey ice cream..
Why the Rest will beat the West...
Siraj-ul-Haq was informed about this atrocity by a party leader after his recent trip to the US. Everybody knows that what one couple does in one situation in the US is true for every single person in the entire western hemisphere of the world. There is no such thing as diversity and individuality – these are the same Western ideals that take ice cream away from you so we must shun them.
I divorced my wife when she refused to buy me a McDonalds vanilla cone. I once murdered a waiter because he told me the cone was not available and I would be forced to have my ice cream in a cup. I even went to Karachi Zoo and ate all the Pandas because I thought they would be made of ice cream. Boycotting the West over it would be the very least that I can do – in fact we should at least burn a few Pakistani-owned ice cream parlours to show the West our outrage.
If the decision is between Ice Cream and ISIS – I choose IcecreamSIS and declare war on the West. I Scream, you scream, we all scream, Ice cream will be the new motto of ISIS.
There is no such thing as diversity and individuality - these are the same Western ideals that take ice cream away from you so we must shun them
My love of ice cream is so great that I was called ‘Panda Ice Cream’ as a child, but that may be because of my aforementioned obesity.
I also appreciate Mr. Haq’s appreciation of joint families in Pakistan. The family that tokes together stays together. I cannot fathom how marijuana has not been legalised everywhere in America already – a joint family system in the US will really help them calm down and drop fewer bombs on the rest of us.
A joint family system will also increase their demand for ice cream. A tub of ice cream is great for the munchies.
I have realised that I have been very ungrateful living in Pakistan. So what if we have terrorism, load shedding, a sham political system and virtually no rights? At least we have ice cream. And when the terrorists bomb everything and there is no electricity, and the temperatures are soaring at 45C, and the police is on the way to arrest us because we made a mean comment on the internet, we can at least have our Rs. 5 ice cream lying on the middle of the road and thank God that we live in a free country rather than the ice-cream-deprived West.
