After spending half a century in a state of confusion, this past week Pakistan finally clarified its policy on people who beg to differ. The new slogan appears to be ‘chuk lo warna chuk lain ge’ - everyone who doesn’t get in line will go missing.
The pilot of the program has been running for a few years but after years of beta-testing on Baloch, the program is finally rolling out for the rest of the country as well.
The nation has been marred with divisions and differences for decades but if there is no one left to talk about them, then the government hopes the problems will go away too. It works for ostriches, so there is no reason that burying our heads in the sand will not work for Pakistanis as well!
State policy towards dissidents, summed up?
After the crackdown on political extortionists, there has been a high rate of unemployment amongst kidnappers in the country. The new policy will give jobs to all of them
The problems may not go away if we do not talk about them but at least the rest of the world will not know about it and will therefore think of Pakistan as a better investment. PML-N is said to be highly inspired by North Korea. Nawaz Sharif thinks highly of Kim Jong-un’s strategy of having a state sanctioned tour of North Korea for all tourists and cutting the rest of the country off from the internet or any communication with the rest of the world. What is the point of even having a country if you cannot subjugate every single person living there?
The government feels things were easier when the British ruled. The plan is for all government officials to use fairness creams extensively so the populace feels better about how their overlords look. The government is projected to be the highest consumer of fairness creams in Pakistan by the end of 2017.
A spokesperson for the government also told reporters that he was glad the government finally has a slogan that is catchy. Famous musicians have been employed to make songs titled ‘Chuk Lo’ and Donald Trump’s company has also been employed to put the slogan on a red cap. There are also rumours that DJ Butt is working on a special remix just for the government.
The new national policy will create jobs as well. After the crackdown on political extortionists, there has been a high rate of unemployment amongst kidnappers in the country. The new policy will give jobs to all of them.
It will also help our bourgeoning tech industry. The state has unleashed millions of Facebook activists to spread the state’s narrative online - or as it will be called from now on, ‘The absolute truth’.
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Anybody who disagrees will go missing so there is no reason to argue against the absolute truth.
The state has also made it easier for people wanting to kill themselves to commit suicide. If you hate your life and everything in it, all you have to do is go online and post your opinions freely on Facebook. As soon as an official takes notice of your posts, you will be relieved of the stress of everyday life and you will be free to meet your Maker.
No longer does the government want its citizens to be over-burdened with activities like thinking and communicating. Citizens can focus their energies on serving and working to make Pakistan Great Again.
No longer held down by concepts of equality, justice, freedom and basic human rights, the nation can finally focus on its economy. Pakistan is a nation full of sacrificial lambs, if we are to lose out on some lambs for nominal growth in our GDP then it is a price worth paying. The Silence of the Lambs will be the new national movie of Pakistan – the lambs have literally been silenced.
All activists are like Schrodinger’s cat while they are missing - they are both alive and dead. We will never know till we are kidnapped too and by then it will be too late for us.
The spokesperson for the government concluded by asking the nation to get behind the new national policy rather than criticising it, then he chuckled heartily knowing fully well that even if people were to criticise the plan, it wouldn’t matter as they would go missing as per the plan - that is the beauty of the plan, it is foolproof and has the complete support of all non-missing people.
