Taking a chance on what flavor of potato chips to buy is a low risk decision. Taking a chance on a man who could end up killing you? Very very high risk. And yet society expects women to make this decision over not more than a handful of meetings with someone who they'll be expected to live with for the rest of their lives. Well-intentioned parents pace around the house, lamenting their daughter's indecision and praying that they don't 'lose this chance'. 'Aisay rishtay roz nahi aatay'. 'Don't be immature, just trust your parent's judgements.' How are any of these statements supposed to do anything but pressure women into marriage before they really know who they're marrying?
Of course, at the end of the day, marriage is ultimately a gamble. You could be with someone you've known for seven years, and they could still turn out to be the absolute worst. There are also people who were virtually strangers before they were introduced through their parents, and have managed to develop a bond stronger than so many others. It's a game of Russian Roulette for both parties, but unfortunately, the bullet always seems to land on the women. How many times can this keep going on until something gives?
The problem lies in the knee jerk reaction men seem to have when it comes to taking accountability to the way the patriarchy disadvantages women everywhere. A recent Twitter thread shared by a woman suggested all the ways men can care for the women in their lives, that don't cost money. The thread included suggestions like take over cooking the meals for one day during the week, offering to dust the house, complimenting her everyday, doing the dishes, sharing a meme she might like, etc. The comments to the thread were full of men questioning why they should be expected to start doing labor intensive things for women while also being asked to work full time jobs, and this highlights that men will never get it.
The problem isn't a lack of awareness anymore. Women have been raising their voices, speaking up, fighting back. They go to therapy and the police and to their parents. There is a movement, there are organizations, there are calls for actions and appeals and petitions. Women are doing the work, but the question is, are men? Until men begin to actively do the work required to make women's lives easier, how can we expect change?
This work looks like calling out other men, recognizing the power and privilege afforded to you as a man, as well as recognizing its lack when it comes to women. It looks like going to therapy, it looks like reading up on the subject, it looks like listening and acknowledging and unlearning. The opportunity cost to all of this of course, is the benefits that the patriarchy grants men, which men don't ever want to give up, which is why they never attempt to change. The Boys Club remains a Boys Club, and women keep getting killed. If only it were really as simple as pressing a button.
Of course, at the end of the day, marriage is ultimately a gamble. You could be with someone you've known for seven years, and they could still turn out to be the absolute worst. There are also people who were virtually strangers before they were introduced through their parents, and have managed to develop a bond stronger than so many others. It's a game of Russian Roulette for both parties, but unfortunately, the bullet always seems to land on the women. How many times can this keep going on until something gives?
The problem lies in the knee jerk reaction men seem to have when it comes to taking accountability to the way the patriarchy disadvantages women everywhere. A recent Twitter thread shared by a woman suggested all the ways men can care for the women in their lives, that don't cost money. The thread included suggestions like take over cooking the meals for one day during the week, offering to dust the house, complimenting her everyday, doing the dishes, sharing a meme she might like, etc. The comments to the thread were full of men questioning why they should be expected to start doing labor intensive things for women while also being asked to work full time jobs, and this highlights that men will never get it.
The problem isn't a lack of awareness anymore. Women have been raising their voices, speaking up, fighting back. They go to therapy and the police and to their parents. There is a movement, there are organizations, there are calls for actions and appeals and petitions. Women are doing the work, but the question is, are men? Until men begin to actively do the work required to make women's lives easier, how can we expect change?
This work looks like calling out other men, recognizing the power and privilege afforded to you as a man, as well as recognizing its lack when it comes to women. It looks like going to therapy, it looks like reading up on the subject, it looks like listening and acknowledging and unlearning. The opportunity cost to all of this of course, is the benefits that the patriarchy grants men, which men don't ever want to give up, which is why they never attempt to change. The Boys Club remains a Boys Club, and women keep getting killed. If only it were really as simple as pressing a button.