Nuggets from the Urdu press

These nuggets are culled from the Urdu press. They are summarised here without comment. Absurd or ridiculous, tft takes no responsibility for them. Illustrations by Saadia Gardezi

Nuggets from the Urdu press

How to heal kidneys in lockup


According to Jang (March 14, 2015) a suspect arrested during the Rangers raid on the MQM headquarters in Karachi told the court he had been tortured in custod and his kidneys were hurt. The court told him to drink 12 glasses of water every day to heal his kidneys.

Wrist monitors for terror suspects 


Reported in Dunya (March 14, 2015) the Punjab government will track the movement of 500 terror suspects with wrist monitors (plastic kay karray jin main wireless chip nasb ho gee). A monitoring cell will be set up at the Chuhng police academy.

Wedding becomes war 


A fight broke out at a wedding hall in Kamalia (maidan-e-jang ban gya) when the families of the bride and the groom couldn’t agree on a dower (haq meher), reports Dunya (March 15, 2015). They threw plates and dishes at each other, and several guests were injured. The bride’s parents married her to her cousin right there, and have asked the police to recover the dowry (jahaiz).

Real police catches fake police


Nawa-e-Waqt reports (March 15, 2015) the leader of a gang that set up fake police pickets in Lahore to rob people was arrested in a raid. Police seized hundreds of thousands of rupees in cash and other robbed goods.

Fake Pakistani cricketer appears on BBC 


According to Jang (March 16, 2015) a man who claimed to be Pakistani test cricketer Nadeem Abbasi (behrupiya) appeared as an expert in several BBC programs, until the real Nadeem Abbasi spoke to broadcaster. The former turned out to be one Nadeem Alam, who has previously been a fake squash player to get free sports goods. Nadeem Abbasi told BBC if he found that man anywhere, he would punch his face. Nadeem Alam said at least he made good analysis.

‘Don’t blame Pathans for Indian terrorism’


Quoted in Nai Baat (March 16, 2015) Pashtun activists Shehzad Khan and Gul Mir Khan say India is carrying out terrorist attacks all over Pakistan, and it is unfair (sarasar zulm-o-ziadti) to blame them on Pathans (pathano pay ilzam thop dena).

Policemen block road against commando training 


Reported in Dunya (March 17, 2015) police recruits in Karachi who had just completed a six-month training at the Saeedabad police academy declined to undergo a further four-month commando training. They blocked the Hub River Road in protest, causing a huge traffic jam. They dispersed after negotiations with their seniors.

Mob justice in Gujranwala


Express reports (March 17, 2015) a man who was caught stealing a water pump from a house in Gujranwala was beaten up, made to wear a garland of shoes, and paraded around on a donkey, while the people of the neighborhood continued to beat him (thukai kee).

Superstitious cricketers change shirt numbers


According to Express (March 18, 2015) superstitious Pakistani cricketers changed their shirt numbers but could not change their fate. Umar Akmal was told by a soothsayer to wear jersey number 3, but he could not perform. Haris Sohail changed his shirt number from 89 to 80, but the ghosts did not leave him alone. Hafeez selected Inzimam’s number 8, but he could not play the world cup.

Government officials will not use Viber


Reported in Jang (March 18, 2015) the Pakistani government has notified all its departments not to use the mobile phone application Viber, because it is run by the Israeli defence forces.

Cop locked up for leaving school duty to go to canteen


Dunya reports (March 19, 2015) a police constable on security duty outside a school in Lahore was arrested and locked up for leaving his duty. He had gone to a nearby canteen to eat.

Rs 1.5 million electricity bill


A consumer in Lahore was sent an electricity bill of Rs 1.5 million, Nawa-e-Waqt reports (March 19, 2015). Shahabuddin has taken the matter to court.