Welcome to Trumpistan!

Shehzad Ghias wonders if the grand security plan is to build a wall around Lahore and ban Pakhtuns

Welcome to Trumpistan!
Nawaz Sharif and Donald Trump are not the same person - Donald Trump knows how to use Twitter. It is wildly inappropriate of people in Pakistan to blame the actions of the Punjab Government on Donald Trump. Our governments have been racist long before Trump gained worldwide notoriety. If anything, Trump should be accused of rising to power by imitating the actions of our leaders.

If Trump can build a wall on the Southern border then why can’t the Punjab Government build a wall around Lahore?

There is a reason Lahore is called the ‘Walled City’, it already has the gates and when has the government ever backed down from a large infrastructural project that makes it seem like they’re doing something whilst accomplishing nothing tangible? The Government already has built walls around their own homes - they just need to extend the protection now to the entire city. Takht-e-Lahore must be protected at all costs. It worked for the Mughals, so it could work for our Government as well.

Pakhtun man selling snacks - utterly terrifying to the authorities?
Pakhtun man selling snacks - utterly terrifying to the authorities?

Much like your produce, your terrorism should also be local. Be local, blow local - the motto of the organic vegan terrorist

If Trump can blame all of America’s problems on foreigners then why can’t Punjab do the same?

Granted that Punjab is not a country and every citizen of Pakistan has a fundamental right to their freedom of movement but when has the constitution ever stopped a government? The constitution has seemingly stopped governments in the past but nobody has ever tweeted saying #ThankYouConstitution

It is rather convenient to make it seem like you are doing a good enough job by blaming all of your failings on an outsider who may actually have nothing to do with the problem. Trump blames the Mexicans and the Muslims, Punjab can blame the Pakhtuns and the Afghans.

Look at how much prettier and safer Islamabad is now that all the Afghan bastis have been abolished.

If Trump can ban Muslims from entering the United States, why can’t the Punjab Government ban Pakhtuns from entering Punjab?

The Punjab Government is not targeting people from KPK and Afghanistan because they might be terrorists. They are being targeted because they are so good-looking! Even their chaiwalas look like a super model. The men of Punjab, especially the Punjab government, cannot compete against that!

Now that Shahid Afridi has retired, there is no need for more people from KPK to enter Punjab. Our hearts have been broken enough by Afridi for us to know never to rely on his tribe ever again.

When KPK is sending its people, they are not sending their best. Punjab simply cannot take the risk of someone from KPK or Afghanistan becoming a terrorist. They already have government officials accused of state-sponsored local terrorism, they already have government officials elected by the support of alleged local terrorists, they already have daily instances of violence all over the province – there is enough Punjabi terrorism without having to mix terrorists of other ethnicities into the mix.

If there is one thing Donald Trump has taught the world leaders, it is to never admit their fault. If there is to be a terrorist attack then the Government can simply blame it on all the media stopping the Government from doing their job. If only all these naanwalas and chaiwalas had been stopped from entering Punjab then nobody would have made all those naan and chai that the terrorists consumed before blowing themselves up.

Keeping the Other out of Lahore?
Keeping the Other out of Lahore?


I am sure it is all the Pakhtuns leading radical terrorist organisations in Lahore. I am sure it is all the Pakhtuns burning Christian homes in Punjab. I am sure it is Pakhtuns committing honour killings in Punjab. I am sure it is Pakhtuns pushing for a fundamentalist regime in the province – why focus on all the civil strife in the province when you can scapegoat an entire ethnicity for your plight?

Afghani fries and other such Afghani drugs are a small price to pay for a safer province. Much like your produce, your terrorism should also be local. Be local, blow local is the motto that the organic vegan terrorist lives by.

The Government does not even acknowledge local terrorism as terrorism. So logic dictates that any terrorism committed in the province must be done by outsiders.

P.S. None of the logic used in this article applies to Balochistan. Anybody who claims otherwise is an enemy of the state and should be mocked on television for hours without any care for media ethics, journalistic responsibility or the concept of truth. Pakistan Zindabad!