Happy Third Anniversary everyone! The whole world knows what a resounding success this hybrid regime has been.

It’s now time to make the changes I’ve been plotting. I’d like to change everything to the Americans way. Since terrorist attacks are increasing, I think I’ll demote Sheikh Rashid from his ministry and appoint him Secretary of State for Homeland Insecurity. Soon Other People are also going to ride into the sunset (ahem) and for services rendered (ahem again) I’ll make them my Secretary of State for Regime Change In Various Banana Republics. This department can be a great forex earner if we want to rent ourselves out to the Americans again.

I’ve forgiven DJ Butt for doing Maryam’s Lahore jalsa and am thinking of appointing him Secretary for Environment, Entertainment & Noise Pollution. The Boyz are also insisting I forgive my ATMs and re-appoint them Secretary of The Treasury. Fawad Chaudhry’s portfolio will now be Secretary of Offence. And if I am to pardon all my old co-conspirators, why don’t I make Maulana Tahir ul Qadri Secretary of Transportation (Esp From Canada) and Aun Chaudhry Secretary of Veteran Affaires?

I’ve also decided to reshuffle my cabinet of Special Assistants to the Prime Minister. These SPAMS will be completely fresh faces. Sometimes you need highly inexperienced outsiders to bring a fresh perspective to highly specialized government positions. In this I’ve taken a leaf out of ex-President Trump’s book. Actually, he and I have a lot in common. Like me, he was the candidate who united all of his country’s intolerant, xenophobic, ignorant, neo-nationalists.

The other news is that there is a strong possibility of President Biden finally calling me to say he’s coming over at Christmas. I think I’ll have a Christmas tree for him. Please don’t tell the Taliban and my other extremist friends. Since I’ll have forgiven Aleem Khan by then, I’ll make him in charge of Presents. President Biden and I will have a fireside chat. He’ll probably ask me if I had any knowledge at any stage of Pakistan’s deep state facilitating the Taliban’s takeover of Kabul. I will reply swiftly, “I’ve never had any knowledge of anything at any stage.”

Im the Dim