In a press conference last week Sahir Lodhi politely urged people to go watch his movie before jumping to conclusions. I heard his battle cry, kissed my loved ones goodbye and ventured out to find a way, a Raasta if you will.
I walked up to the ticket counter and told him, “Mujhay Rasta Day”.He must have thought I said Hasta because he started laughing at me. I assumed that laugh was meant to poke fun at the people of Pakistan but after watching the movie I realised the only joke aimed at the people is the movie itself.
On the plus side I almost had the entire cinema to choose a seat from. I picked one nearest to the exit, removed all sharp objects from my pocket, grabbed a bowl of popcorn and started my journey.
Right off the bat you get a sense that this will be nothing like your regular movie experience. Watching people act in that movie makes you think nobody in that movie has ever interacted with another human being. It was a comedy movie without trying to be funny. It was a horror movie without trying to be horrifying.
If somebody was to make a parody of what a Sahir Lodhi movie would be, they would have made Raasta - except it seems like Sahir made the movie himself in earnest. There is zero self-awareness, both in the movie and in Sahir Lodhi.
The movie is written by Sahir Lodhi, produced by Sahir Lodhi, directed by Sahir Lodhi, the screenplay is by Sahir Lodhi - and it seems like the only person who wants to watch this movie is also just Sahir Lodhi.
Either Sahir is in every scene of the movie or he is narrating the action and dialogue of each scene. Yes, you read that right he is narrating the dialogue. The actors mimic speaking and Sahir provides the audience a narration of what is happening in the scene. It is like Sahir saw the first edit and thought. “You know what this scene is lacking? My voice!”
It was a comedy movie without trying to be funny. It was a horror movie without trying to be horrifying
Even in a climatic romantic scene Sahir mutes the dialogue of himself and the love of his life, and narrates the entire scene instead. The audience gets the director’s cut of the movie with his narration in the movie itself!
The weirdest part is even with the narration you are sitting there as an audience member thinking “wtf is going on…”
It seems like Sahir Lodhi watched The Room by Tommy Wiseau and thought “That is kind of movie I want to make!” If you have not watched The Room by Tommy Wiseau, do yourself a favour, call some friends over and watch it together. Please. Or just go watch Raasta for the Urdu version of it.
If you are to go watch it, please notice the extras in each scene. It is almost like they were punished for murdering someone by being forced to be in this movie. The bodyguards are so statuesque it seems like they have been imported from Madame Tussauds.
Sahir seems so jealous of anybody else in his own movie that there is zero character development. You see a woman twice in the movie and then you find out there was an entire love story in those two scenes. Why bother with character and story development when Sahir can simply narrate it to you?
My favourite moment might be when this woman goes to a Mafia boss, who has presumably killed her husband. From that point onwards that girl just becomes the Mafia boss’s girlfriend. There is no explanation as to how this happens.
Sahir even falls in love with a girl when his brother is in the ICU in a critical condition after being shot. It is still not as bad as Shahrukh Khan marrying Kajol at her father’s funeral in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham but it is still a bit hard to digest.
Tommy Wiseau in 'The Room'
Sahir also insists on wearing the deepest of V-necks in every scene and using more makeup than his female co-stars. Even Tiger Shroff must have watched the movie and thought, “Wow Sahir you need to look more manly.”
Sahir heard those cries and in part two he used a black marker to draw a beard on his face. How during the intermission he survives three gunshot wounds and goes from being broke and powerless to the biggest villain in the city is a mystery.
Instead we are greeted in Act II by a story about a prostitute and a pimp. There is a 5-minute scene of Saihr explaining how he is not the latter. Whoever said something like that to him in a Facebook comment needs to apologise to everybody who saw this movie because their comment resulted in an unnecessary 5-minute scene in the movie.
One wonders if this movie is Sahir Lodhi’s response to all the rejections he has faced in his life. And the only thing the movie accomplishes is justifying every single person who rejected him.
Everybody who did reject him should feel threatened. The only reason Sahir murders everybody in the movie is perhaps because he could not get a job for 8 years. If two Facebook comments can result in a press conference, then it is justified to think Sahir will lead a genocide over the reviews his movie is getting.
Hitler started a World War because he got rejected from art school. You can only imagine what Sahir will do after reading this!
If you are reading this Sahir - please forgive me. My fledgling career cannot handle a press conference by you. If everybody can give Sahir and I some privacy right now and stop reading - I just want to say:
Sahir, Raasta is the best movie I have ever seen and you are the greatest actor ever. Anybody who says otherwise is anti-Pakistan and fantasises about Narendra Modi. Please don’t hurt me.
