I am sandwiched between a rosary-holding college student and a smartphone-wielding uncle. Gosh! What a place to be in! But it’s pretty miraculous that I got a seat on this local train, that too at peak office hour. Now only if I had some more space, I would continue reading Kamila Shamsie’s ‘Kartography’. But the public announcement system on the train has other ideas.
“Swaad Aur Sugandh Ka Raja
Badshah Banaaye Badhiya Khaana
Badshah Masala!
Badshah Rajwadi Garam Masala
Pav Bhaji, Pani Puri, Chaat Ka Masala
Biryani, Pulao, Chhole Ka Masala
Badshah Masala!”
Phew! What a spicy start to my day!
***
In this age of GPS-enabled devices, there continue to be relics like myself who prefer to ask paanwalas, doodhwalas and bhelpuriwalas for directions. They seem to know their neighbourhood better than anyone else. And on the rare occasion when a street name has been changed, or you happen to pronounce something incorrectly, they are happy to say they don’t know.
On the other hand, Mumbai also has people who are absolutely averse to helping with directions. I realised this the other day when I came across a store sign that said: “Direction Fee: 5 rupees.” Right behind it was an old man wearing Gandhi glasses.
The other day I came across a store sign that said: "Direction Fee: 5 rupees
It was a weekend, and I had some time to indulge my curiosity. So I went up to him, and asked, “Uncle, yeh kya hai? Kuchh samajh nahin aaya.” (Uncle, what is this? I didn’t quite understand.”)
He replied, “Poore din koi na koi aata rehta hai. Kisi ko hotel chahiye, kisi ko school, kisi ko davaai ka dukaan. Isi mein din nikal jaata hai. Aaj kal dhanda thoda manda hai. Socha iss bahaane rupye aa jaayenge. Lekin koi rupye nahin dena chaahta.” (Someone or the other keeps coming in all day. Some ask for the address to a hotel, others to a school, yet others to a medical store. The whole day goes by like this. These days, the business isn’t doing too well. I thought some money might come in like this. But nobody wants to pay for directions.”)
It was a heady evening for those who throng to public lectures - Ramachandra Guha and Diana Eck, one after the other, at the erstwhile Prince of Wales Museum. Too much! One speaking about the challenges faced by contemporary historians, the other about the sacred rivers of India. That certainly gives you a lot to discuss over tea.
Here is what my ears managed to catch:
“Guha is quite humorous for a historian, don’t you think?”
“Absolutely. What was that thing Chetan Bhagat said in that tweet of his?”
“Wait, let me look it up. The net is so slow here. Yes, here it is. He said: What do historians do? I am genuinely curious. This happened. Then this happened. Then this. Okay, work done for the day.”
“Do you think he might have been in the audience?”
“I’m not sure if he goes to lectures.”
“Yes, he probably goes only to award returning ceremonies.”
“You are so mean!”
“Right. Look who’s talking!”
Historian Ramachandra Guha
Ramachandra Guha and Diana Eck - one speaking about challenges faced by contemporary historians, the other about the sacred rivers of India
***
A friend and I are meeting for a walk in the park. I am going to be late because an urgent chore has come up. Thankfully, he isn’t mad at me.
“I will hang out at the mall,” he says. “And check out the latest in fashion.”
“Cool! What are you buying — designer undies?” I ask.
And then it goes on.
“Yes, man! I need to find Sponge Bob boxers.”
“Really now?”
“Why, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I thought you’d be buying Star Wars boxers.”
“Wow! They have those?”
“Actually, I don’t know. I just made that up.”
Chintan Girish Modi is a Mumbai-based writer. That he shares his last name with a Prime Minister is purely a matter of coincidence. He tweets at @chintan_connect
