After the nikah in Medina, I went for a short crawl, begging bowl in hand, to Riyadh and met that charming Prince who chopped up a journalist some years ago. I asked him, “how does one get away with murder, your royal highness?” To which he replied, “it’s simple. Appoint yourself King, jail your rivals, shake them down for cash, throttle the media, keep your benefactors on side – in my case it was Donald Duck – in your case it was Puss in Boots”.

“I know Donald is history but why, Your Highness, are you talking of Puss in Boots as though that too is a thing of the past?” He let off a blood curdling laugh and shouted, “Wake up and smell the coffee, Mr Khan”. Which is exactly what I did the minute I got back to Islamabad. I got off my high horse and signed on the dotted line.

But I got permission from Her Holiness first. She said My Favourite had to be transferred on a moonless night, or else. I told Big B that it was My Way or the Highway. He accepted my wisdom and took it on the chin. How Nice ’n Simple, how Fair & Lovely, I thought. Her Holiness told me not to worry, as long as it’s a Moonless Night. It’s curtains for all these guys, she has prophesied. She should know, given that she lives behind a curtain herself.

The signing of the notification is one of my most wonderful U-Turns, which as you know is the mark of a great leader. If Hitler had taken a U-Turn on his way to Moscow, he wouldn’t have lost World War II. He would then have been Emperor of the World, replacing the British Empire and its successor American Empire. We would all have been speaking German, not English. I would’ve gone from Aitchison to Heidelberg University on a football scholarship and spent my salad days in Berlin with Heidi Klum, Kirsten Dunst and Claudia Schiffer instead of London with Emma Sergeant, Sita White and Jemima Goldsmith. My inspiration today would’ve been Angela Merkel (old hag though she is) instead of Prince Charles.

I’m very annoyed with Dr Shahid Masood for apologizing to Sethi about the 35 Punctures story. So what if it was a lie? It was a very nice lie. I am going to get the Supreme Court to strike down that silly apology as null and void. I know a lot about voids since a very large one is in my head.

Im the Dim