I can’t thank the good lord enough for the following blessings that he has bestowed upon me:

1. Getting so far on such a tiny brain.

2. Getting so much without ever picking up the tab.

3. Real friends like Prameshwar Godrej, Mark Shand, the late Yoko Ono, Mick Jagger, Yusuf, Moby and Goldie.

4. My eternal youth.

5. My unlimited gift voucher from Hamleys, which applies to all toys except Leggo which is too complicated.

Other than that, a profound thought came to me whilst on a picnic in a cave in Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa. It was that I should immediately make a television serial on my life and times called “Mera Khan”. Of course, I would be in the starring role. Furthermore, my serial is not going to be like the Turkish prototype about this guy who rules half the world but gets done in by a few women. It’ll be more like Forrest Gump, scaling the heights on that one lonely brain cell. And there’ll be no blurred cleavages like in the Turkish drama – only abayas and burkinis. All the men will be in white nighties like in Saudi Arabia.

My basic analysis in the teleserial will be very basic. It’s about the triumph of good over evil, the triumph of dogs over cats, the triumph of hunting over gathering, the triumph of hope over dope. In this teleserial, we will also eradicate polio. In a shocking scene, you’ll also see me criticizing the carpet bombing of North Waziristan by the Pakistan military, which I’m never going to do in real life. In an even more shocking scene, you’ll see me admitting that US drones cause far less civilian casualties than our own military’s bombing, which I’m never going to do in real life.

Finally, my television serial “Mera Khan” will achieve nationwide and worldwide renown being only slightly less successful than “Sex and the City”.

As for Bilawal, I’d like to say that an educated young man like him should be following a dumb cluck like me instead of wasting his time on culture-reviving, hope-giving, arts-encouraging things like the Sindh Festival.


Im the Dim