Note: This is a work of satire
It’s confirmed. According to our correspondent in Kabul, the former Pakistani PM Imran Khan will not be disqualified and will be allowed to contest the next general elections in Pakistan. News of this development has so far reached only a few state and government officials in the country. They are keeping it under wraps. On 9 May, Khan instigated an unprecedented uprising against the powerful military establishment for which he is facing a possible trial in a military court.
Our correspondent reports that the former US Ambassador to the United Nations and the architect of the Afghan Peace Deal Zalmay Khalilzad recently made an unprecedented trip to Kabul where he met a group of Pakistani human rights activists.
He said that the fascists who have taken over Pakistan after toppling a liberal, democratic, constitutional, and internationally acclaimed hunk, now realise their mistake and have reached out to him through some Instagram influencers
The activists claimed that they were in Kabul for summer vacations, before confessing that they were sent to Kabul to meet Khalilzad. However, they added that some sightseeing also took place. They praised Khalilzad for being a genuine liberal, and promoter of democracy, human and animal rights, peace and Coke Zero.
Khalilzad arrived in Kabul on 27 May from the US via Singapore, Albania, Mongolia and Uzbekistan. He came bearing gifts for the ruling Taliban and the Pakistani human rights activists. Our correspondent too received a gift. It was a ‘I Hate China’ T-Shirt. Khalilzad told him that Kabul was like a second home to him or a home where he never lived nor plans to live, but loves. Somehow.
He said that the fascists who have taken over Pakistan after toppling a liberal, democratic, constitutional, and internationally acclaimed hunk, now realise their mistake and have reached out to him through some Instagram influencers. One of these influencers is reported to be Ducky Bhai who has trillions of followers on instagram and YouTube.
According to the head of the human rights group, many of them were viciously trolled by the Khan regime, but since, like most liberals, they too carry the Stockholm Syndrome gene, and that they quite like the likes that they get on Twitter for pretending to be very fair and empathetic even towards their former tormentors, they have decided to aid Khalilzad aid Murad Saeed aid Sheikh Rasheed aid Khan’s return to power. For this, Khalilzad gave them a lollipop each — shaped like the Statue of Liberty.
According to our correspondent, the activists were most concerned by the arrest of men and women from a particular social group. One of them told our correspondent that he misses the parties that were thrown by some of the arrested at their farmhouses and bungalows. He said that these were the bravest folk, who sacrificed a life of luxury to set state and public property on fire.
“Such good looking and well-dressed people should be on catwalks, not in jails,” said another human rights activist. Her eyes swelled with tears, her voice chocked, her nostrils flared, her face turned blue and then she collapsed. It was unprecedented.
Khalilzad is reported to have met with a Pakistani official sent to Kabul from Washington DC by the ISI. But the question is, if the official was already in the US, why didn’t he meet Khalilzad in the US? The activists found this to be rather unprecedented.
According to our correspondent, the official told Khalilzad, that the fascist regime in Pakistan was willing to allow Khan to contest the next election only if the US provides air bases to Pakistan in Arizona. Khalilzad was livid. Our correspondent reports that he tried to contact the US President from his cell phone, but the President refused to take his call. He threw down the phone and said, “you see now, this is how Imran felt! It’s an unprecedented outrage.”
Nevertheless, things settled down when one of the human rights activists began to read quotes from Voltaire and Rousseau, and then quipped, “two wrongs don’t make a right.” “Yes,” said Khalilzad, “but two wrongs can make a left.” This made some leftists in the human rights group somewhat angry. One of them began to sing the old Soviet national anthem, before returning to his senses. He asked whether the neo-cons too have an anthem, to which Khalilzad replied: ‘Not yet, but like everything else, China is making one for us.”
We can now confirm that the wheels to get Khan out of the quagmire that he finds himself in, are in motion. One sign of this is that those who were selling ‘Absolutely Not’ T-Shirts just a few months ago, have begun to sell ‘I Hate China’ T-Shirts. Some of the human rights activists, however, avoided wearing this T-Shirt, saying “two wrongs don’t make a right.”
They then got themselves new T-Shirts. These had ‘Unprecedented!’ written on them. One of them said that he was extremely excited by the ‘revolutionary’ developments which will knock out the military from politics for good. His eyes swelled with tears, his voice chocked, his nostrils flared, his face turned blue and then he collapsed (with joy). He later came back to his senses. When asked whether he was okay, he replied, ‘unprecedented!’