Howzzat

Dear All, I am extremely sorry for not awarding tickets on merit during the last elections. I am also extremely sorry if some tickets were, in fact, sold. Yes, sold for money. I hang my head in shame. But I also hasten to assure you that it will never, repeat, never happen again.

I am absolutely clear about this. For Election 2018, tickets will be awarded strictly on merit, as decided by a committee of Peerni, Captain, Moneybags, Sidekick and other Technocrats.

This group will also decide the manifesto of the Party, when it comes to power in September. I have a few thoughts on this and I am going to share them with you here and now:

1. Along with the billion tree tsunami, we will cultivate the most profitable cash crop known to man, Jointus Smokera, all over Pakistan.


2. Vocational Training Centers will be set up with “IKK Driving Schools” which will have a legal will for all Learners. No, I’m not egotistical, “IKK” doesn’t stand for Imran Khan of Khans. “IKK” stands for In Kase Killed, Learners’ worldly goods will go to The Shaukat Khanum Memorial Hospital.


3. I will launch my own lawn, like all the big textile houses of Pakistan. To promote the lawn, there will be free hijabs and free stick-on beards for women who wish to live a pious life. One lawn print will celebrate my Cricket World Cup win of 1992 by having teacups on it because tea is a beverage that does not hurt the feelings of Muslims like Salman Rushdie.


4. Pakistan will become like Dubai, Singapore, China and other dictatorships where people don’t have basic rights but have basic infrastructure.


5. When I come to power it will be “The Yawn Of A New Era” and I will never forget the past, particularly when it’s in dire danger of being forgotten, specifically the fact that Pakistan’s problems are due to the Qadiani-Hindu-Jewish Establishment.

Im the Dim