Howzzat

Namaste, everyone. You’ll be glad to know that from now on, everything has changed. I called a cabinet meeting and informed everyone that India-Pakistan bhai bhai and here’s my new policy directive:

1. Whatever the provocation from er, ahem, Bhai Modi Ji Sarkar, we will follow Mahatma Gandhi’s teaching of ahimsa or nonviolence.


2. Shireen Mazari and Dr Yasmin Rashid will be required to wear saris and have red spots on their foreheads (the ones that look like target practice marks) but since we are a democracy, they can choose the colour of their spots.


3. There will be zero tolerance of Atankvadis (yes, this is the currently politically correct word for terrorists) and we will continue to persecute and punish the leading Atankvaads of the day ie Mian Nawaz Sharif, Asif Ali Zardari, Mir Shakilurrahman, Cyril Almeida, and all dissenting journalists (who are mercifully almost nonexistent, having been gagged).


4. I have always loved Indians, particularly Vikram Mehta, Sunil Gavaskar, Adi and Prameshwar Godrej, and some now retired Bollywood sirens. I love Indians even more now, all 1.339 billion of them, in my current sant-like avatar.


5. As a former leader of the Ghairat Brigade and Keeper of the Two Nation Theory, I had previously believed that two nations are better than one and ghairat is better than logic because ghairat involves one person and his one brain cell whereas logic involves a lot of liberal scum but now that liberal scum are extinct in Pakistan, I have changed my mind and momentarily strongly believe that Indo-Pak bhai bhai.


6. Everybody will be vegetarian from now on and there will be salad for breakfast, salad for lunch and salad for dinner. I have noted the objection that we will then have lettuce sticking out of us, and rejected it on the grounds that it is only the tip of the iceberg.

Im the Dim