Happy New Year everyone. I’m a bit late with the mubariks but you know me, na, always fashionably late. Musarrat Apa, you remember my smooth sayer from Model Town, I called her on the first day of the year and said: ‘Please batayen na what’s going to happen aagay chal kay?’ She coughed her small polite Rs 5000 cough. I said, ‘easy ho jayen, my driver is on his way with a fife thou ka lifafa. So you can talk, okay?’ After some ‘nahin bus thori si khaansi hai’ type lame excuses, she told me 2015 will be nice year for us, inshallah.
I wanted to ask her ‘us’ meaning who please? Me and my family? Keh me and my friends? Keh me and whole world? And no offence, but if she means me and whole world, I want my money back because whole world can pay for itself, ok? And in any case, I damn care about far flunked countries like Newsy Land vaghera. And also, if she means me and whole of Pakistan, I want half my money back. I’m not saying I don’t care about Pakistan – which is why I only want half my money back – lekin mein nay pooray Pakistan ka theka nahin othaya hua.
Then she predicated a wedding (as if it’s earth spattering news in middle of wedding season when half the world is getting married) and that light will come – bijli aa jaye gi. Chalo ji, I thought to myself. So much for smooth saying. But next day Mulloo called up super excited. ‘Mubarik! Khan Saab (she calls Imran Khan, Khan Saab like I call Doctor Sheheryar Docsaab) has got married!’ And so I found out about Reham, that glam newscoaster from London who’s got three kids and doesn’t wear hijab and doesn’t look chup-chaap type from anywhere. Immediately I thought of Mussarat Apa’s predication, and her also saying ‘light will come’. Guess what? Today we had bijli for longer so there was light and also after three days of not coming, today gas also came so we had hot water etc. Musarrat Apa, I swear she’s so pohncha hua, so wise na .…
I wanted to ask her ‘us’ meaning who please? Me and my family? Keh me and my friends? Keh me and whole world? And no offence, but if she means me and whole world, I want my money back because whole world can pay for itself, ok? And in any case, I damn care about far flunked countries like Newsy Land vaghera. And also, if she means me and whole of Pakistan, I want half my money back. I’m not saying I don’t care about Pakistan – which is why I only want half my money back – lekin mein nay pooray Pakistan ka theka nahin othaya hua.
Then she predicated a wedding (as if it’s earth spattering news in middle of wedding season when half the world is getting married) and that light will come – bijli aa jaye gi. Chalo ji, I thought to myself. So much for smooth saying. But next day Mulloo called up super excited. ‘Mubarik! Khan Saab (she calls Imran Khan, Khan Saab like I call Doctor Sheheryar Docsaab) has got married!’ And so I found out about Reham, that glam newscoaster from London who’s got three kids and doesn’t wear hijab and doesn’t look chup-chaap type from anywhere. Immediately I thought of Mussarat Apa’s predication, and her also saying ‘light will come’. Guess what? Today we had bijli for longer so there was light and also after three days of not coming, today gas also came so we had hot water etc. Musarrat Apa, I swear she’s so pohncha hua, so wise na .…