SUCH GUP: “Jadoo-toonay ki sarkaar …”

SUCH GUP: “Jadoo-toonay ki sarkaar …”

“Jadoo-toonay ki sarkaar …”

Naheen chalay gi, naheen chalay gi! That’s a slogan oft repeated in Opposition gatherings these days. The original came from Pakistan’s long experience with dictatorship: “Lathi-goli ki sarkaar, naheen chalay gi, naheen chalay gi!”

But back to the jadoo-toona (black magic) phenomenon – it’s a fascinating aspect of The Great Khan’s government. Many of our previous rulers have been taken with pir-faqirs but The Great Khan has taken his obsession with the occult to another level. Those who know say it runs in the family, ie his late mater was also a “believer”, and his sisters are petrified of the black magic practitioner who’s become a member of their clan. That is why they tend to stay away.

The more cynical stalwarts of The Great Khan’s horde have a more mundane explanation for their leader’s unshakeable belief in Her Holiness’ powers. They say she is “debriefed” regularly and all the things on their “to-do” list are shared with her in advance, so that she can predict the same to The Great Khan. And when they actually transpire (because the spooks make them happen), The Great Khan is utterly impressed with Her Holiness’ predictive abilities. Examples abound: “marriage to RK (an ex) is a disaster. You will never scale the Olympian heights unless you dump her”, “you will scale the Olympian heights if you tie the knot with moi”, “Nawaz Sharif will be disqualified”, “Nawaz Sharif will go to jail”, “Bozo The Clown will sit on Takht Lahore”, “Bozo The Clown’s continued occupation of Takht Lahore is necessary for your longevity” and so on. Well, duh, if those who were debriefing Her Holiness were making all the above happen, of course she was going to be proven right. Duh!

Gutka gazillionaires

Two fabulously wealthy Indian families got their kids married to each other and took the big fat desi wedding to a whole new level. The bride’s father took hundreds of his guests by chartered jets from Delhi to Paris where he lodged them at the Four Seasons George V and Prince de Galles-Marriott AND gave them 2000 Euroes per diem to spend!

One of the wedding venues was the fabulous Petit Palais, the gardens of which are considered one of the most refined in France.

The Opera Garnier was another venue, built by Emperor Napoleon III in 1875. And of course, the Chateau de Chantilly, one of the finest jewels in the crown of France’s cultural heritage.

The groom’s father was not to be left behind – together the families did an exclusive buyout of the hotels and rented these fabulous venues for the wedding.

And where do the family fortunes come from, you might well ask. Answer: both are gutka manufacturers – chewing tobacco made of areca  nut, catechu, paraffin wax, calcium oxide, tobacco, spices and sweeteners – which is a major cause of oral cancer.

Like there’s no tomorrow

While the bureaucracy is on a total go-slow, refusing to sign on the dotted line of even the most mundane government business, The Great Khan’s ministers are losing no opportunity to rake it in, large or small. Like there’s no tomorrow.

One example is that of an exceptionally Energetic min whose pa-in-law has made windfall profits from his flour and ghee mills, with their products attracting handsome subsidies and being routed via the national utility stores. This is just one example of this “each man for himself” culture. We hear a terribly important personage is on the record as replying to an anguished remark about how dark the future looks if this dispensation continues, with an utterly callous “I damn care” (sic).