I am a big Tom and Jerry fan. When I was growing up, I was obsessed with this one episode where Tom gets squished to death by a piano in his attempts to murder Jerry and gets sent to the afterlife (It’s called ‘Heavenly Puss’ and is available on YouTube). Long story short, he is refused a ticket to heaven unless he can obtain Jerry’s forgiveness. Tom does everything in his power to get Jerry on board, but by the time he succeeds, it’s already too late. Tom gets thrown into the fiery pits of Hell where a devil dog boils him at the stake (seriously, kids’ TV ain’t got no guts no more). These days, I’ve been feeling like a big fat ‘heavenly puss’ myself. Except, I don’t know where, how and from whom to seek the forgiveness that I so desperately need.
Did I depress you yet again? I’m sorry. I just figured that since outrage is the new black this season, I might as well continue cribbing about the many problems that ail my (and probably your) existence (Mad Libs, anyone?). And it’s not just the big stuff, you know. It’s all the little things that trip me up. Like, did your Facebook also explode with status updates about the smog situation going on these days? It’s totally legit, you know. I drive myself everywhere and I have yet to figure out how to stop my windshield from frosting up. And I have tried everything: cranking up the AC, cranking up the heat, opening different windows, opening up the back windows with the AC on full blast, etc. etc. (you get the gist, right?). Nothing seems to work! Oh, and don’t get me started on the wipers. They make things considerably worse so do not even try it (you’re welcome, really). An orange gremlin once said that climate change was a hoax perpetrated by Jhina. Well, if that’s the case, then the Jhinese must have secretly implanted microchips in all our brains because all this seems far too real to me.
When a penguin love-triangle fell violently apart
In the dystopia of old novels and horrid dreams, I guess there is no point in holding on to shame and other such ideals
***
The year 2025. I picked up my cellphone and dialed my sister’s number. This was an emergency. Yes, it was going to set me back a bit, being an international call from Pakistan to the States, but it had to be done.
“Hey…how are you?” I asked, not trying to hide my desperation.
“I’m good, what do you want?” she replied, not trying to hide her irritation.
“I need to borrow some Internet minutes.”
“Nope. Not gonna happen.”
“Oh, come on! You’re in the States! You get way more internet minutes per month than I do! Please, it’s important. I need 2 to 3 minutes max. I just have to Google some information for my article-”
“No, I’m sorry Zara! I am saving this month’s minutes for my midterms. You don’t understand - you had unlimited access when you were in college ten years ago. I literally haven’t checked my Facebook in months, or emailed mama, and I can’t waste a single second of my month’s allocation!”
“Please, there is no one else I can turn to. How about this? I’ll send you 5 minutes next month.”
“Ugh, okay…I’ll try. I’ve heard the government might reduce Internet allocation again so you better come through with those 5 minutes.”
“I will! Thanks, you’re a life saver!”
Prince Harry is reportedly furious at media coverage of his new love interest, actress Meghan Markle
***
Something else happened this week. Prince Harry is now taken (not in that way, but still). It is rumored that Prince Harry has fallen head over heels in love with the actress who plays Rachel on Suits (a great show to binge-watch). Anyway, I guess the Kate Middleton dream is pretty much over for our generation. That hurts. This actress, by the way, has been recently divorced, is two years older than him and isn’t even that famous, so if there is one lesson to learn from this painstaking loss, it is that you shouldn’t hesitate to live your life despite society and all it’s garbage hang-ups. Heck, even penguins are more liberated than us! A recent video released by the National Geographic captured a grueling scene where the husband penguin came home to find his wife penguin in bed with another penguin. After a bloody battle, however, the wife penguin chose love and not marriage, and it seems that she’s happier for it. Now, I’m not condoning infidelity or anything, but when the world seems to be heading towards the dystopia of old novels and horrid dreams, then I guess there is no point in holding on to shame and other such ideals.
***
“What happened to the internet?” I typed in the Google search bar. My sister had sent me 3 minutes - God bless her - and I was all geared up to download as many articles as I could for my upcoming story. I knew the Internet bust had to do with the amount of money the government had to spend to equip all the satellites with climate-resistant exteriors. I also knew that the US government was channeling billions of dollars into creating climate controlled ‘domes’ for technological development. But I needed to know where it all began. Technology was supposed to prevent climate change. How did it become a victim in the process? Why was the Internet being rationed? Ugh! This was a total catch-22 situation. If I had proper access to the Internet, I’d probably already know all this stuff. Then again, if I had proper access to the Internet, I’d binge-watch Suits one more time.
