Ittefaq Nama

Ittefaq Nama
Left! Rat! Left! Rat! Backward March! Heheheheh! Thanks God the Turkeys foiled coup. Actually, if truth be told, me and GEO we planned the coup and got it failed. Hain ji? What a nice! Now the whole Turkish conspiracy is closed, shortly to be followed by the free press, critical social media and democratic opposition. All will be closed, inshallah.

I called brother Erdogan to congratulate him. “Mobarak, dear brother! What a close shave! I was so worried for a while – I told your bhabi to give a finish (khatm) to ward off the tarrible happenings. You must immediately decommission the whole apparatus and become a declared pacifist state, spending all your country’s resources on the welfare of the population”. After a slight pause, Erdogan asked, “do I take it that you hold these views on largely ideological grounds, dear brother?” “No” I replied, “I hold them largely because they annoy the boys.”

I’ve been having lots of visitors. They say they’re coming to ask after my health. But actually, they are all messengers. Of course, they can’t give their messages straight out so they do it by implication – as if I can’t see through them! “Er, Mian Sahab, it’s time for your medicine. Will you take it lying down?” “NO! I WILL NOT TAKE IT LYING DOWN!” “Er, Mian Sahab, your phone has run out of juice. You need to charge it. Here’s a charger with an EXTENSION.” “Thanks but no thanks”, I said, “I don’t need this charger with an EXTENSION”. “Er, Mian Sahab, your need total piece and quiet. The pigeons outside your room are too noisy. They tend to COO quite forcefully”. “LET THEM COO FOR ALL I CARE”, I replied. “Er Mian Sahab, we hope all is well with you in GENERAL and of course, in particular”. “Can you please stop talking GENERALLY and just stick to the particulars, hain ji?”

And so on and so farth, until your bhabi threw all the visitors out, saying I needed to rest and reCOOperate. “Aaaaagh! Not that word again!”