Last week my Indian friend Nisha Sharma – very khaata peeta with flat in Bombay, house in Goya and apartment in New York — called to say she’s coming next month and I must take her shopping. I said acchha I’ll take you to Bareeze (Indians are luttoo on Bareeze na) and she said no she wanted to buy some Art. And I said: ‘What art?’ And she said, ‘Bhai the super stars: Rashid Rana, Imran Qureshi, Ali Kazim, Bani Abidi, Talpur, Jokhio and all’. She said these artists sell in action houses in London — Somebody’s and Christy’s. So I said, ‘Haan of course, I’ll take you. I know them all’. Then I thought before she comes I’ll go and buy all their stuff and put it up in my house and she’ll be so impress and I’ll say ‘Hai, I’ve tau had these from before Kulchoo was born.’
Tau bus yesterday I got into my car and went off to become an art collector. All day I spent going from one studio to another. I saw so many pictures, so many pictures kay don’t even ask. To the artists tau I kept saying ‘haan, haan lovely, lovely’ but between you and me – I didn’t like one thing even. I mean na koi land escapes, na koi dhung kay portraits, na koi moody sa sun sets. Imran Qureshi showed me three paintings which looked as if someone had a nose bleed all over them and no offence but Ali Kazim tau is a bit of a kaam chor. He showed me a watery colour of a boy. Big picture but just one small boy standing in a corner. The rest all empty. Just plain white paper. Bhai if you’re going to charge so much then at least paint the whole paper, no? Now look at Michael Angelino, when Pope asked him to paint Christine Chapel, did he leave half of it empty? Honestly! And Bani Abidi she tau doesn’t even draw. I don’t think so she can be bothered. Just computer type prints. And when Ayaz Jokhio said, ‘I’ve got some dust paintings’, I said, ‘thanks but I’ve got enough dust in my house already.’ And Rashid Rana, his work’s all photos really, which I can take myself with my own Eye Phone, thank you very much. Tau bus, I’ve decided that I’m tau sticking with meray apnay prints of the Depressionists, Maanay, Monay vaghera. You know, proper paintings. Still lives. Sun sets. Lilies. Aur Nisha? I’m sorry but she’s tau total crack.
Tau bus yesterday I got into my car and went off to become an art collector. All day I spent going from one studio to another. I saw so many pictures, so many pictures kay don’t even ask. To the artists tau I kept saying ‘haan, haan lovely, lovely’ but between you and me – I didn’t like one thing even. I mean na koi land escapes, na koi dhung kay portraits, na koi moody sa sun sets. Imran Qureshi showed me three paintings which looked as if someone had a nose bleed all over them and no offence but Ali Kazim tau is a bit of a kaam chor. He showed me a watery colour of a boy. Big picture but just one small boy standing in a corner. The rest all empty. Just plain white paper. Bhai if you’re going to charge so much then at least paint the whole paper, no? Now look at Michael Angelino, when Pope asked him to paint Christine Chapel, did he leave half of it empty? Honestly! And Bani Abidi she tau doesn’t even draw. I don’t think so she can be bothered. Just computer type prints. And when Ayaz Jokhio said, ‘I’ve got some dust paintings’, I said, ‘thanks but I’ve got enough dust in my house already.’ And Rashid Rana, his work’s all photos really, which I can take myself with my own Eye Phone, thank you very much. Tau bus, I’ve decided that I’m tau sticking with meray apnay prints of the Depressionists, Maanay, Monay vaghera. You know, proper paintings. Still lives. Sun sets. Lilies. Aur Nisha? I’m sorry but she’s tau total crack.