I can’t stand these smart aleck journalists who constantly write negative things about my performance. My performance, if you please, is world-renowned. Everything else is the fault of my incompetent cabinet. Okay, I said I’ll transform Pakistan in 90 days – 5 million new homes in 90 days, 10 million new jobs in 90 days, corruption will end in 90 days, billions will be brought back to Pakistan in 90 days – why can’t people understand that 90 days is a figure of speech?

My advisors also write letters to me saying that all is not well. They really shouldn’t be writing. I must get some advisors who won’t write me long letters and the only way to do that is to get advisors who can’t write.

I also can’t stand people who talk back. I mean, when I’m talking and I draw a blank, some cabinet minister will jump up and fill in the blanks. I can’t stand that. I prefer people who are blanks themselves. I always knew this cabinet business was a non-starter. When they asked me to make a cabinet, I wanted it to be the smallest one in history to show Pakistanis how careful I am with money. Because it was to be a cabinet, not a cupboard. And I wanted only one minister in it – You Know Who.

But most of all, I can’t stand these adjudicators who give reprieves to convicts and certified criminals and let them jet off to London when they know I’m dying to do the same but can’t get out of this hellhole right now. There should have been more adjudicators on the bench making such important decisions. But my advisors tell me that the bench is very small and can’t seat more than two people and if I insist on adding more, they’ll probably have to sit on a stool.

Remember how nasty people like Najam Sethi used to say on his GEO show that the Bangladesh model was on the way, with the adjudicators and my patrons hand in glove? Well, you can see for yourself how much the adjudicators are in hand, let alone glove.

And as for the Bangladesh model, when I knew her she was the East Pakistani model. I shudder to think what a hag she must be now. Perfectly suited for the likes of Sethi, I daresay.

Im the Dim