I usually find out that Altaf Hussain has been in the news (or been the news) when people around me start imitating him. Right? It’s almost like a movement - a wave of passion and excitement (and sometimes trauma) that compels the politically aware and their uninformed news watching comrades (spouses, kids, larkas and larkis) to compete for the title of ‘Best Altaf Hussain Impersonation.’ For some (not so) strange reason, the presence of food usually tends to spark such conversation. Voices become coarser and louder, words are chewed and spat out in slow laborious motions, hands are raised and flung around and general chaos ensues in proper tribute to the recently deposed leader. For a curious fashionista like myself who doesn’t understand much Urdu (the kind spoken on TV news channels, you know?), this usually means its time to check the news (the real news, not the Facebook kind).
Anyway, I know I’m like two weeks too late, but I recently learnt about Altaf Hussain’s anti-Pakistan rant (thanks TFT for the in-depth coverage). And, I know I’m like a year too late, but I also just began to watch the first season of Narcos on Netflix - excitement for the second season is off the charts and I really needed to be in on it (seriously, I don’t handle FOMO too well). So, naturally, I began to draw comparisons between Altaf Hussain and Pablo Escobar. Now, I know the two guys aren’t exactly the same. Escobar looked more like Humpty Dumpty than a criminal mastermind whereas Hussain…lets just say he looks more serious. What baffles me the most is the fact that both men were able to create political campaigns out of their blatantly obvious criminal networks (it’s hard enough as it is). Seriously, it’s kind of genius and terrible at the same time. You could say it’s somewhat Gatsbian - defying the odds and establishing yourself as the ringleader in the most unexpected way with reckless abandon - all for love, power or fame.
Altaf Hussain's fiery, quirky speeches have provided much inspiration for household comedians across Pakistan
It was the third day since Sherdil had learnt that he had failed the CSS exam (yet again) and he woke with a heavy heart, as he had done all week. Sherdil was determined to make this day different than the rest. His friends had convinced him to enlist in the Pakistan Army, and through the contacts his designer DNA afforded him (a super-fashionable move to make), Sherdil was able to get a meeting with someone at ISSB. He quickly made his way to the closet and flung all his shirts onto the bed in an attempt to find the perfect outfit for a day that might finally change his life.
Sherdil arrived at the meeting right on time with a look of casual indifference in his eyes and a spring of inherited arrogance in his step. He was disappointed that he had to wait once he got there. After a cup of tea and three cigarettes, Sherdil was finally escorted into the office. What office? Sherdil didn’t exactly know. In fact, he wasn’t too sure who he was meeting with either. All he knew was that this man was important, and consequently, he assumed him to be the Captain.
Pablo Escobar has become the archetypal prince of the criminal world
“Yes, my boy”, the Captain greeted him. “I hear you want to join the Army. What exactly do you want to do?”
“Uh…whatever you think is best!” Sherdil replied hesitantly, not expecting any sort of interrogation.
The Captain was not impressed. “Boy, you are 28 years old. You are ten years late for the Army. I think you need to find a wife and have some kids.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not condoning criminal behavior. Having some Gatsbian qualities doesn’t make you a Gatsby, and it most definitely doesn’t make you great. After all, you have to be fabulously good-looking to qualify for the post.
You also have to be motivated, skilled, acute and highly perceptive, in addition to being arrogant, selfish, stubborn and passionate. But most importantly, you must succumb to a great end, whether it’s good or bad. Seriously guys, these are tough criteria. Not everyone can be a Gatsby, but there are many different local versions of him.
It's somewhat Gatsbian - defying the odds and establishing yourself as the ringleader with reckless abandon
***
Sherdil came home utterly disappointed. He had failed to become a bureaucrat and now he had failed to become an officer. “No worries,” Sherdil thought to himself, refusing to let go of his dreams of becoming a known public official in Pakistan, just like his father. “Who cares about the executive anyway? It’s time I go for the big picture - the legislature it is!” It was on this day that Sherdil decided to knock one of his cousins off the charter and stand for MPA in one of his village districts. Before exiting his room, Sherdil looked at the pile of shirts he had thrown on his bed this morning. Perhaps the Captain was right. A desi Daisy - or two - would have made this day much better.
