After 9/11, Pakistan’s status in the world at large changed from that of an obscure and insignificant leper to a cause of global concern, and journalists began pouring in to inquire about “modern Pakistan” and the “future of Islam.” I was in school then and applying to colleges. It was also around this time that a rumor spread about my chemistry teacher – a jaunty fellow called KRC who looked exactly like Gilderoy Lockhart from the Harry Potter series. Apparently, Mr. KRC had once been intimately involved with Pakistan’s nuclear program. Just how plausible this was – a dandyish chemistry teacher making a weapon of mass destruction on the sly – was quite beside the point; the notion was wild, and spread quickly on account of that.
I got the news in an email (Subject: KRC made WMD) and fielded a lot of phone calls at night, seeking and delivering assurances that the American colleges probably wouldn’t hold our teacher’s allegedly nuclear extra-curricular activities against us. (Such was the desperation – and paranoia – attending the college application process.) Within a few hours another rumor had us thinking that it was actually three teachers who were involved in the scandal and the school was thus in crisis mode. (It shouldn’t have taken a genius to see that the other two teachers, though terribly sweet, were definitely not nuclear material…)
[quote]Rumors are to Pakistanis what Hope is to hobbits[/quote]
In retrospect, it never occurred to me to ask why, if KRC was smart enough for a nuclear program, he had chosen to remain a high school teacher. (Hey, no judgment.) Still, rumors are to Pakistanis what Hope is to hobbits, and so I paid attention this week to all the snippets that came my way; everything from where the COAS is vacationing, through to whom Imran Khan is supposed to be marrying, past how many times the PM was snubbed at the UN, and ending at who is doing the PTI’s public relations. As for the latter, I am told it’s a young woman who is adept at handling PR for brands and companies and was brought into the party for the distinct purpose of a makeover. You know I know you know there had to be a PR lady operation behind IK’s maniacal monologue. I mean, his outfits are always different from those of the politicians who stand behind him, his stage choreography seems deliberate even when crowded, and there are way too many photos of him shirtless or working out or talking to his sons with soft, parental longing that have surfaced on social media for all this to be a mere coincidence. Someone is leaking this stuff deliberately. To the mystery PR woman I give a slow-clap followed by a sly appraising look. I may think the party she works for is a historical and political catastrophe, but at least it’s got someone thinking about clothes and songs and stuff.
In all, it has been quite a week for the Pakistani people. First, Lahore went spastic at the latest Imran Khan protest party held at Minar-e-Pakistan. It was glorious seeing him explain to Lahoris that he is sorry he came back without the PM’s resignation. It must have relieved a lot of people there to learn that he has – would you believe it – a plan. This was followed by a lot of Punjabi screaming, and by the time Shah Mahmood Qureshi was done with his fiery Bhutto-ist speech, the whole thing had about it the air of an upbeat Shia majlis, what with all the raving and crooning and partisanal chest-thumping.
I have to say, I’m really impressed with IK’s PR lady. Consider: the man tried to lead a revolution that turned out to be a coup wrapped up in a brain contusion. He in effect stormed parliament and his second-in-command defected, loudly saying IK is fooling everyone and isn’t in it for democracy as much as power. Despite all this, despite a unified parliament and a tired population, he isn’t getting nearly as much grief as he could be. That’s thanks to his PR lady. Now his party is taking credit for “the end of VIP culture” (I refer, but of course, to the hysterical, fairly thrilling but far-from-revolutionary offloading of Rehman Malik from a PIA aircraft). An entertaining part of the PTI’s PR campaign is the claim about the excellence of KPK under the news dispensation. It isn’t dampened, apparently, by the news that the government there, in an attempt to appease the Jamaat-i-Islami, is now going to remove “objectionable material” from primary school textbooks, including images of the cross and Christianity, references to Maharaja Ranjit Singh, any non-Islamic historical episodes and the phrase “Good Morning”.
Far across the oceans, meanwhile, PM Sharif fared worse than anyone – even his enemies – could have imagined. He had gone to address the United Nations, we were told. Well, the picture that has been circulating feverishly on social media for the last few days shows that the Pakistani Prime Minister’s earth-shattering divulgences/words-of-wisdom were received by approximately seven-and-a-half people. The same hall, mind you, was more than half-full the next day when India’s PM Narendra Modi gave a speech – in Hindi! – about his country’s culture and economy and society with only obliquely hostile references to Pakistan’s nuclear weapons.
Lest you fall off your chair – or container, depending on who you are and what you’re smoking (or snorting) – your country also managed to do well this week. Asma Jahangir, our Iron Lady and singularly consistent democrat, had been awarded what is called the “alternative Nobel Prize” for her longstanding work on human rights. Her fellow winners include the heroic whistleblower (or “leaker”, as the Obama administration cynically termed him) Edward Snowden and environmentalist Bill Mckibben. This is extremely cool, guys. Asma J is the first Pakistani to receive this prestigious award and, on behalf of the country, I want to yell a resounding “Congratulations!” and “You go, girl!” at her (and in that order).
Maybe if we held up such people as exemplars of social service before our school-going children, we’d have a better time one day at the United Nations. But no, you’re right, it’s more important to wage war on the cross and not say “Good Morning” and yell at Rehman Malik’s retreating purple hair. We’re on our way to Naya Pakistan, after all.
Write to thekantawala@gmail.com and follow @fkantawala on twitter
I got the news in an email (Subject: KRC made WMD) and fielded a lot of phone calls at night, seeking and delivering assurances that the American colleges probably wouldn’t hold our teacher’s allegedly nuclear extra-curricular activities against us. (Such was the desperation – and paranoia – attending the college application process.) Within a few hours another rumor had us thinking that it was actually three teachers who were involved in the scandal and the school was thus in crisis mode. (It shouldn’t have taken a genius to see that the other two teachers, though terribly sweet, were definitely not nuclear material…)
[quote]Rumors are to Pakistanis what Hope is to hobbits[/quote]
In retrospect, it never occurred to me to ask why, if KRC was smart enough for a nuclear program, he had chosen to remain a high school teacher. (Hey, no judgment.) Still, rumors are to Pakistanis what Hope is to hobbits, and so I paid attention this week to all the snippets that came my way; everything from where the COAS is vacationing, through to whom Imran Khan is supposed to be marrying, past how many times the PM was snubbed at the UN, and ending at who is doing the PTI’s public relations. As for the latter, I am told it’s a young woman who is adept at handling PR for brands and companies and was brought into the party for the distinct purpose of a makeover. You know I know you know there had to be a PR lady operation behind IK’s maniacal monologue. I mean, his outfits are always different from those of the politicians who stand behind him, his stage choreography seems deliberate even when crowded, and there are way too many photos of him shirtless or working out or talking to his sons with soft, parental longing that have surfaced on social media for all this to be a mere coincidence. Someone is leaking this stuff deliberately. To the mystery PR woman I give a slow-clap followed by a sly appraising look. I may think the party she works for is a historical and political catastrophe, but at least it’s got someone thinking about clothes and songs and stuff.
In all, it has been quite a week for the Pakistani people. First, Lahore went spastic at the latest Imran Khan protest party held at Minar-e-Pakistan. It was glorious seeing him explain to Lahoris that he is sorry he came back without the PM’s resignation. It must have relieved a lot of people there to learn that he has – would you believe it – a plan. This was followed by a lot of Punjabi screaming, and by the time Shah Mahmood Qureshi was done with his fiery Bhutto-ist speech, the whole thing had about it the air of an upbeat Shia majlis, what with all the raving and crooning and partisanal chest-thumping.
I have to say, I’m really impressed with IK’s PR lady. Consider: the man tried to lead a revolution that turned out to be a coup wrapped up in a brain contusion. He in effect stormed parliament and his second-in-command defected, loudly saying IK is fooling everyone and isn’t in it for democracy as much as power. Despite all this, despite a unified parliament and a tired population, he isn’t getting nearly as much grief as he could be. That’s thanks to his PR lady. Now his party is taking credit for “the end of VIP culture” (I refer, but of course, to the hysterical, fairly thrilling but far-from-revolutionary offloading of Rehman Malik from a PIA aircraft). An entertaining part of the PTI’s PR campaign is the claim about the excellence of KPK under the news dispensation. It isn’t dampened, apparently, by the news that the government there, in an attempt to appease the Jamaat-i-Islami, is now going to remove “objectionable material” from primary school textbooks, including images of the cross and Christianity, references to Maharaja Ranjit Singh, any non-Islamic historical episodes and the phrase “Good Morning”.
Far across the oceans, meanwhile, PM Sharif fared worse than anyone – even his enemies – could have imagined. He had gone to address the United Nations, we were told. Well, the picture that has been circulating feverishly on social media for the last few days shows that the Pakistani Prime Minister’s earth-shattering divulgences/words-of-wisdom were received by approximately seven-and-a-half people. The same hall, mind you, was more than half-full the next day when India’s PM Narendra Modi gave a speech – in Hindi! – about his country’s culture and economy and society with only obliquely hostile references to Pakistan’s nuclear weapons.
Lest you fall off your chair – or container, depending on who you are and what you’re smoking (or snorting) – your country also managed to do well this week. Asma Jahangir, our Iron Lady and singularly consistent democrat, had been awarded what is called the “alternative Nobel Prize” for her longstanding work on human rights. Her fellow winners include the heroic whistleblower (or “leaker”, as the Obama administration cynically termed him) Edward Snowden and environmentalist Bill Mckibben. This is extremely cool, guys. Asma J is the first Pakistani to receive this prestigious award and, on behalf of the country, I want to yell a resounding “Congratulations!” and “You go, girl!” at her (and in that order).
Maybe if we held up such people as exemplars of social service before our school-going children, we’d have a better time one day at the United Nations. But no, you’re right, it’s more important to wage war on the cross and not say “Good Morning” and yell at Rehman Malik’s retreating purple hair. We’re on our way to Naya Pakistan, after all.
Write to thekantawala@gmail.com and follow @fkantawala on twitter