Headline of the week

Breaking news: Tension in Heaven As Prince Philip Describes Jesus Christ As “Darker Than I Expected”.


Quitter of Red Fort

The man who used to have caustic words for those who upped sticks and left, particularly for The Man of Steel après his departure for London, has been pleading to be let off. He wants to quit his hot seat, given how dangerous the Interior has become, after the Labaik wallahs laid siege to his Red Fort in Rawalpindi. Hundreds of protesters swarmed outside his Red Fort, chanting “down with Sheed Tully”, while his staff cowered inside. Sheeda himself was not on the scene, thankfully, or God knows what might have happened but they say he has been spooked out of his skin by this and related occurrences during the government’s standoff with the Labaik wallahs. The net result of this is that he tendered his resignation to The Great Khan, but the latter didn’t bite. The Boyz, we hear, want Sheeda replaced by PK of KPK but The Great Khan won’t hear of it.

Mystery man

The government’s reps negotiated for hours with the Labaik wallahs a few days ago and appeared to be going round and round in circles. It wasn’t till a Mystery Man appeared in an ante room and summoned the chief negotiators and the key Labaik wallahs to him, that the final words were spoken. It was only when he wound up the discussion that they all signed off on the “agreement”.

House divided

If ever a house was divided, it is The Great Khan’s horde. On the recent matter of the violent protests, one government minister lobbied hard for the TLP not to be banned. “They are good people”, he kept saying. On the other hand, the Law Min was busy drawing up the “proper procedure” for banning them. He advised that the TLP be banned via the Political Parties Act through the Supreme Court.