We have a problem, Houston. I say that as the world’s oldest space cadet. I’ve been looking around for donors to the Reham Hush Fund but haven’t found any. On top of that, Nawaz Sharif keeps rigging elections and I keep raving and ranting about it with fewer and fewer people paying attention. I think I should turn the Tehrik-e-Insaf into a cult, like a cross between Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Jihadi John. I think this is what Donald Trump might do, my other hero who like me has a towering ego and one grey cell.
But before I do all this, I’m going to consult my brilliant friend Lady Lucy Fitztightly who’s staying with me these days. Lucy used to be a natural scientist and went to Papua New Guinea to do her fieldwork, where she managed not to get eaten. She’s now changed careers and done a law course. She says she wants to be a solicitor. “But Lucy”, I said, “it’s against the law for women to solicit”. Lucy rolled her eyes. I think she has Rolling Eye Disease because she does that every time I say something.
Talking of diseases, Lucy’s reading up on Dontopedalogy, after which she says she’ll diagnose me. Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which she says I’ve been practicing for many years. Lucy thinks I should give up politics and go back to saving nature. “What a good idea! I’ll immediately start writing to the World Wildlife Fund about all the species that face extinction. ‘Dear WWF, please remember that if it’s got four legs and it’s not a chair, if it’s got two wings and is not an airplane, if it can swim and it’s not a submarine, the Chinese will eat it’. Thank you and goodbye.”
Lucy had an attack of Rolling Eye Disease again, and fell about laughing hysterically. Thank God Fawad Khan was there. I decided to hell with everything. I’ll just watch one of my speeches on the DVD. Trouble is, it wouldn’t play. So I asked Fawad to fix my DVD because he works in the film industry.
But before I do all this, I’m going to consult my brilliant friend Lady Lucy Fitztightly who’s staying with me these days. Lucy used to be a natural scientist and went to Papua New Guinea to do her fieldwork, where she managed not to get eaten. She’s now changed careers and done a law course. She says she wants to be a solicitor. “But Lucy”, I said, “it’s against the law for women to solicit”. Lucy rolled her eyes. I think she has Rolling Eye Disease because she does that every time I say something.
Talking of diseases, Lucy’s reading up on Dontopedalogy, after which she says she’ll diagnose me. Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which she says I’ve been practicing for many years. Lucy thinks I should give up politics and go back to saving nature. “What a good idea! I’ll immediately start writing to the World Wildlife Fund about all the species that face extinction. ‘Dear WWF, please remember that if it’s got four legs and it’s not a chair, if it’s got two wings and is not an airplane, if it can swim and it’s not a submarine, the Chinese will eat it’. Thank you and goodbye.”
Lucy had an attack of Rolling Eye Disease again, and fell about laughing hysterically. Thank God Fawad Khan was there. I decided to hell with everything. I’ll just watch one of my speeches on the DVD. Trouble is, it wouldn’t play. So I asked Fawad to fix my DVD because he works in the film industry.
Im the Dim