They’ve been shooting a movie or a TV show on my street for the past week - I’m not sure which it is. Also I don’t know who ‘they’ are but I have my hopes. When I pass the many make-shift tents and large white trailers on the way to my front door, I slow my pace to a snail’s crawl and linger in a noncommittal way, studying the patterns on the sidewalk or perhaps staring at the sky in the way that suggests a thought of pure inspiration has struck me and an aria is playing in my head. It is my secret hope that Jennifer Connelly or Leonardo DiCaprio will spot me deep in conversation with the universe through their trailer windows, and insist on coming out and inviting me in for a cup of steaming tea. We would, of course, end up the best of friends.
The closest I’ve come to that is a fat albino woman called Jemma asking me if I was lost and if I wouldn’t mind moving along. I wanted to rip apart Jemma’s nametag and use it to scrape her eyebrows off, but I demurred, continuing with the whole aria-in-my-head-act.
I’m going to brag a little and say that I have actually made small but (to my mind) significant cameos in two fairly mainstream movies. The first was when I was visiting Delhi as a kid with my parents and a family friend took us to see a Bollywood movie that was being shot nearby. Our friend knew someone in the film and so we got onto the set of what would become ‘Dil Se.’ They were shooting a scene where Shahrukh Khan asks a teacher leading a group of school kids where some room was and one of the staff on the set, probably thinking I was just one of the kid extras, rushed me into view of the camera. If you see the movie again, I’m the fat, pink-cheeked monstrosity standing between Shahrukh and the teacher and looking so pleased with myself you’d think I’d inherited the world’s supply of anti-depressants.
The second time was when I was cast as an extra in a movie called ‘New York, I love you’ and had to argue with a group of Hasidic Jews, but that’s another story entirely.
In my 'Dil Se' cameo I look so pleased with myself you'd think I'd inherited the world's supply of anti-depressants
My point is, I would totally be cool on a film set and Jemma should have known that. I think the movie is about the police, though, because there are an awful lot of them around. It was nice on New Year’s Eve, since the presence of so many uniforms made the crowds slightly better behaved. My New Year’s eve was pretty tame; I went to my neighbour Razor’s party (I’ve told you about her: Mohawk, bad breath, sells artisanal cheeses and dresses like a vampire) where everything was dressed as if the only things ever invented were lace and zips. I made it to the midnight countdown and then went to bed. On New Year’s morning at about 9 am, when the world was still collectively heaving in a toilet bowl, I walked out of my apartment into the hallway crowded with policemen. Yay!The movie must be doing interior shots! I began feeling very smug indeed that I was a) up at 9 and b) collected enough to appear at my door in a nice winter coat that was obviously, demonstrably and impedingly cinematic. Two policemen-extras saw me and began to approach.
It’s happened! It’s finally happened! Jennifer Connelly has seen me through the trailer and insisted that I be cast as the secondary lead because I am just perfect for the role! My heart began beating really fast and I smiled at the approaching duo broadly, but not smugly. After all, perhaps they had small roles and here I was, just picked up off the street like a Fellini star. Better to be humble. I should remember that for my People magazine interview.
“Sir,” one of them asked. “Could we have a moment?
“Yes, sure,” I said. “How can I help?”
“Would you be willing to...”
“Of course!” I chirped in. “I’d simply love to! But I must warn you, I don’t have any acting experience. Did Jemma tell you to ask me to audition? I knew she was scoping me out for something.”
“Jemma?” the man replied.
As a child, the author appeared in a scene in 'Dil Se'
“For the movie!” I continued. Perhaps Jemma hadn’t explained it to them. Or perhaps it was the director himself! OH! Maybe this is how Spielberg picks stars i.e directly! “Did they spot me on the street? What kind of part is it? I’ve had some movie experience you know. Once when I was in Delhi...”
“Sir,” the officer interrupted. “We’re not here about a movie. I am Officer Daniels and this is Officer Jay from the 122nd precinct.”
The ghost of my smile was frozen on my face.
“Not with the movie…” I repeated.
“No, sir. Not with the movie.”
This was not a good beginning to 2016.
Apparently, after I left Razor’s party, there was some kind of fight between the (in retrospect) deceptively calm vampire partygoers, which escalated into an altercation involving a butter-knife, a vase and a rope. Unrelated to this, someone snuck in through all the commotion and stole Razor’s TV, leaving a black chart paper in its place, which the police didn’t find nearly as funny as I did. They asked for my statement and also if I had heard anything suspicious the night before. (I heard lots, but I mean if you didn’t hear anything on New Year’s Eve, that would be the suspicious part, no?)
I kept reminding myself that this was real life and not an episode of Law and Order. That’s the trouble with all these shows and movies set in New York. They create completely unrealistic expectations for what your life will be like if you live here. After a round of questioning and fairly invasive looks around my flat (as if I’d steal Razor’s greasy TV from her stinky apartment) I left to go and get some coffee.
When I exited my door there were the fake policemen and I could tell because their clothes were in fact a different shade altogether from the real ones upstairs.
As I crossed the street I saw fat Jemma wave at me and shout: “Happy New Year!” to which I replied “Too late! I wouldn’t know even if you’d asked me!” and angrily stomped into the coffee shop, leaving her confused and bewildered in my wake.
Welcome to 2016.
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