Howzzat

You see, the deal was that Nawaz Sharif would keep his lips sealed. We’d keep his daughter hostage and not persecute her. And Shahbaz could carry on being His Majesty’s Loyal Opposition. But I was provoked by Nawaz Sharif into ruining things. He made sure I saw pictures of him swanning around London looking hale and hearty. He went for walks in Hyde Park and got his photos taken and uploaded them on social media to make me manic. He put on a mask and went to outdoor cafes with well-known sidekicks so that there was no mistaking him and appeared on GEO. All this to make me go up the wall, become out of control and start raving and ranting and doing various extremely provocative things like hauling up his daughter and having a big police cordon there to arrest the PMLN’s workers who marched with her.

Nawaz has done all this deliberately to make me lose my world famous cool. And I have. Lost it. All my hangers on say I look so handsome when I rave and rant. The Tiger Force roars with approval when I say ever more delusional things. And the Same Page Guys are so delighted with my brutal repression of the Opposition that they arrest anyone I don’t like.

Believe me, I have been very nice to the Opposition but they’ve now made me come out in my true tyrannical colours. I was about to send Shahbaz to the Andaman Islands when the Same Page guys told me it’s not the British Raj and we don’t own the Andamans. So I settled on sending him to jail instead. The Same Page guys said, “please go easy on him. We need someone passive-aggressive like him. And don’t you feel sorry for him, poor guy having to put up with a brother like Nawaz and a niece like Maryam?” I thought about it and said ok, I’ll allow him a special treat in prison like a Big Mac. In fact, I’ll show great generosity and send him a Happy Meal (but I’ll keep the free toy).

Im the Dim